Bleeding Everywhere

Deep Thoughts | Getting Personal (aka a little TMI) No Comments

10 years ago I went through several traumas back-to-back in less than a year’s time:

Spouse’s suicide attempt
Spouse leaving
Sexual Assault

Each one one of those is a long story. I’m learning lately that not everyone should get to know every story. I’m ok with that. They aren’t always easy to tell, and honestly, not everyone has earned the right to them.

What I do appreciate about my experiences is sharing the very hard lessons I learned in hopes it will help someone else.

I’ve used the word “Resilient” to define myself for the last 9 years or so. When I went through all those hard things I was still able to function. In fact, I was often praised for how well I was doing. That must mean it’s good, right?

And then 2017 happened. Many small hard things happened in 2017-18. I knew something was wrong by the 3rd small thing, but I didn’t know what to do about it, so I just kept going. Then 3 big awful things happened; 3 deaths. Those broke me. I couldn’t function, but I was doing my best; which honestly, wasn’t good at all. I sucked at my job. I was being a bad friend. I couldn’t NOT feel how much I was hurting every. damn. moment.

I finished the school year and thankfully found a new position. Things were looking up. Everything was fixed.

And yet I still found myself repeating toxic patterns that I just couldn’t step away from.

Fast forward to now-ish; 5 therapy sessions of work. We’ve only scratched the surface and I’ve learned so much.

So, that’s what I want to share with you: 

Chinoy Pareek says, ' " If you don't heal What hurt you, you'll bleed On peo... '. Read the best original quotes, shayari, poetry & thoughts by Chinoy Pareek on India's fastest growing Creative Social Network | YourQuote.

Grief, in any form, demands to be felt. My pastor said that.
You can think you’re resilient because you got through hard stuff without breaking; but you’re not totally correct. What you’re doing is called dissociating (thanks HB). It’s something our brain does to protect us when things are too hard. It does serve a purpose for a time…and then it doesn’t. Then you’re just acting out, or making wild plans, throwing yourself into your work, relating to people only superficially, keeping impossibly busy, trying to control EVERYTHING. Everything you’re doing is self-preservation, but it’s breaking you more. I know first-hand.You will continue to hurt yourself and others until you get professional assistance to process it all.

Nothing replaces actual therapy.
Hard stop. I mean it. No amount of taking care of others; no amount of working out; whatever else you want to call therapeutic. They’re all coping methods, but none of them are actual therapy.

I know now that therapy is hard. I figured it would be, and that is part of why I avoided it for years; like, almost a decade. I wouldn’t trade the things I’ve learned in the last 5 weeks. The validation. The connections that I was never able to put together myself; invaluable.

I’m still going through it. It’s the hardest work I’ve ever done.

Part of why I am telling you this is so you know that I AM finally allowing myself to feel the things that hurt me initially in 2009-10. It’s hard work. I’m tired. I’m safely hurting because those things are not a present threat to me anymore.

So if you read this far, thank you. And if you see me and I seem to be different than usual, well that’s because I am. I’m leveling up, so to speak. I’m tired, but I’m happy. 

It'S Supposed to be Hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The what makes it great.  | Rustic Grace | Rustic Grace Boutique | Southern Quote | A League of Their Own | Great Quotes | Life is Hard | Great

Best of all, I am healing. And healing is hard work.

Feel free to join the club.

“It’s the hard that makes it good,” right?

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