2 Up. 2 Down. Flag on the Play.

Online Dating | Point and Laugh No Comments

This weekend I was the personal attendant in the wedding of a dear friend of mine. The experience was truly a blast and a blessing.

Now, as many of you already know, I was born boy crazy. Turns out, there were some guys around this weekend.

Thursday evening I met the some of the bridal party downtown for dinner and then shenanigans at UpDown. When Iiceberg talk first arrived to dinner I sat next to a friend of the groom. He was very personable and we casually made conversation….and it’s possible I noticed he was cute, so it was nice to sit next to him. After about 10 minutes, he noticed I hadn’t ever gotten a drink and asked if I wanted something. Friends, that’s when it really happened; I knew he loved me. As the night went on we all continued to have a great time, laughing and playing games. My future husband and I had some things in common: He’s in secondary education and loves reading… yada yada yada…true love.

At the end of the night he gave me a side hug (leaving room for the holy spirit and all) and as I drove home I began to ponder just how our relationship would work with us living in different states.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!?!? Guys, I didn’t even know his last name! I’d already named our first 3 kids (last name pending).

Apparently guys shouldn’t be nice to me…ever….unless they want to marry me.

Anyway, I played it cool all weekend: I didn’t dedicate any songs to him or try to give him any earrings….no grand gestures. (If you didn’t read that hilariously embarrassing post then please click here)

That’s the good news.

Now I gotta share the bad news about something that happened to me at the reception.

At some point in the night, a tall, dark, and handsome gentleman began to chat me up…and asked me to dance several times. Throughout the night we made conversation and danced together. I was excited. I couldn’t believe someone found me appealing enough to intentionally pay this much attention to me.

I just didn’t know what to think.

At one point, my new friend said he was going to step outside and smoke a cigar, and perhaps leave from there if I’d like to join him.

Most people who know me know how I feel about secondhand-smoke, but also, I was not about to go outside alone with this guy, no matter how kind he had been to me.
He asked again, and I again declined, but mustering all my confidence stated, “No, but if you want my number you can just ask for it.”

This man who’d been approaching¬†me all night, taking my hand while dancing both to slow and fast songs, and chatting me up, suddenly had a change in tone: He put his hands to his chest and spoke to me as though I were the fool, and said “Oh. I’m sorry. Did I…?? I’m married.”

I turned his hands over and showed them to him to call his attention to the lack of a ring, and said “Really?!”

He replied, “Well, let me ask you this, if I wasn’t married would you consider me?”

I stated, “I don’t have time for that game…and they’re playing Miley, so I gotta go!”

I made my way to the dance floor and continued having a blast with my friends and the other amazing people at the reception.great man

For at least 3 hours he intentionally mislead me and wasted my time, so it appears that for as much heat as single people take for trying online dating, that this “in-person” stuff isn’t as great, either.

It’s frustrating. It’s hurtful. And it makes me leery to try at all.

Thankfully, my life is great, and although I would love to find companionship and be married again, my happiness does not depend on it.

Thanks for reading!

Lisa

This weekend I was the personal attendant in the wedding of a dear friend of mine. The experience was truly a blast and a blessing. Now, as many of you already know, I was born boy crazy. Turns out, there were some guys around this weekend. Thursday evening I met the some of the bridal […]

No Third Date=No Kids=???

Deep Thoughts | Online Dating No Comments

Well friends, the answer is “no.”imaginary

No. There will not be a third date.

Those of you privy to my Facebook postings may have been aware that there were 2 dates. The fact that I even let anyone know about it beyond my parents and KT means I was excited and hopeful in the real potential of the guy.

When I asked about a third date I was told, in a spirit of “honesty,” that he was still talking to other women, but was not a player. He had quite enjoyed my company and was certainly open to another outing.

Sadly, I can only presume I was not as enticing as his other options. If we get past the strange choice to tell me he was still talking to other women (I could have assumed this as it was only 2 dates and I was certainly not proposing) then we can tear apart his less than enthusiastic response.

BUT

I just don’t want to.

Yeah. There’s a multitude of responses he could have given, and I certainly don’t know everything about him that influenced this response, but I do know I was doing most of the pursuing after date number 2, so it seemed his interest was fading, or at least paling in comparison to his other “women.” (That was mostly a joke).

Either way, this led me to having another conversation with my BFF Snorrie a few days later.

opinion not realityBecause I had so much hope in the potential of the 2-and-out fella, I did allow myself to dream a little bit about fitting in with my friends again. Since that hasn’t quite come to fruition, and because of some other unresolved conflict in my life, it led me to a revelation.

As a single person (and I know I am not alone here) there is a fair amount of judgment about the life you lead. A word often used or at least hinted at is “selfish.”

Now, hardly anyone would come right out and say to a person as sweet as I am that I was living selfishly. No, instead, what gets said are things like “I’m a mom/dad now. I don’t have time for things like that. My kids are my priority.”

Wow. I’m really sorry I couldn’t carry that baby I lost to full-term so that I could have the “right” priorities. (I don’t say that because I wouldn’t want anyone to know just how bad they make me feel with those comments because I am certain that is not the intent of their words)

For me, my life-plan got derailed and I have made some effing fantastic pink lemonade out of those lemons (along with Jesus. Mad props to Him).without asking

I don’t have a kid to throw a birthday party for so when I have a birthday party for myself, well, it’s purely a reason to get my friends and family together and laugh and have good times. I could embrace my stereotype and have a birthday party for my cat, but it would still be an excuse to get my most treasured people together.

If I had a kid to throw a birthday party for, or to invite you to their Christmas concert, or kindergarten graduation, I would do it.

I don’t. I just have me (and a kitty).

At this point Snorrie said “I never thought about it like that.” That’s just one reason why I love her; she’s got mad empathy skills.

And while we’re on it, people who don’t have kids don’t cease to be worthy of love and happiness. There are lots of reasons people don’t get married or don’t have kids. Jesus loves them, too. ūüôā

During a message at church this summer our pastor was sharing that loneliness and isolation are some of the greatest factors leading to depression and holovedpelessness. At that point, Snorrie reached her arms around my shoulders, squeezed, and told me she loved me. I made a funny face at her because I am not good with people seeing my truth sometimes. I don’t think I’m depressed nor am I hopeless; but dog-gone-it, I am certainly lonely at times and can feel very isolated with my “skewed” priorities.

I love you guys. I love your kids.

You don’t have to love my cat, but please remember to love me (yep, practically begging). If anything, I’m the girl who will be infinitely available for your phone call when you need me.

And if you don’t know me, then reach out to your “non-child-bearing” friends. They miss you. You miss them.

Do it. Now.

<3,
Lisa

Well friends, the answer is “no.” No. There will not be a third date. Those of you privy to my Facebook postings may have been aware that there were 2 dates. The fact that I even let anyone know about it beyond my parents and KT means I was excited and hopeful in the real […]

Perception is Perception-Not Reality

Online Dating No Comments

This morning I received a message on OkCupid:
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After reading it I waited a few minutes to decide if I should reply because I could tell I was irritawpid-screenshot_2014-07-12-12-36-31.pngted at being called “strict” and “religious.” Those two words combined are particularly offensive to me, but as I mulled over a reply I decided it was possible he didn’t intend it to be an insult; merely an observation. As you can see, I replied (in the darker box).

And as you can also see, he replied. At this point I knew I was just going to be defending myself,¬†so I’ve decided not to reply. I’ll address his reply after¬†giving you some insight as to how he came to his conclusions about me.

In May I wrote about my decision to return to the “online dating scene.” When I started to fill out the information for a second time I was much more purposeful with the words and images I chose. It can be a challenge to achieve what feels like the “right” balance of wit, sincerity, and personal disclosure that will not only attract the fellas, but attract the type of guy in which I’m interested.

First you have to pick a username. I’d previously used my typical online handle, Sassy McGiggles, but didn’t feel it would convey the sincerity with which I was approaching this search. I remembered a verse from the Bible that talks about the value of a good woman. After trying many variations I was able to get a version of the verse to work (Proverbs 3:15). I knew the discerning eye would catch the reference but that it also wouldn’t come off as “Bible-thumping” as other options.

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2/4

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4/4

So, without further ado, here are some screenshots of the content of my profile (I’m sure you’re overjoyed to have access):

I’m a wordy gal (as if you weren’t aware) so I tried really hard to whittle down the length of this profile compared to previous versions while still displaying my personality.

I think I’ve succeeded in displaying my personality, some interests, sense of humor, and some priorities. I’m not sure how much of this comes across as “strict religious¬†beliefs”

There are thousands of questions you can answer¬†to help the site’s system¬†compare¬†and rank how well you “match” with¬†other¬†users, but I’ll spare you of all of those. I can say I won’t¬† most of the questions based around sex because 1) I’m a public educator; 2) That’s a pretty personal subject that doesn’t need to¬†be addressed¬†before we even meet in¬†person; and 3) Some of them are just pain weird and¬†clearly submitted by people with specific fetishes.

I can only assume the¬†user who sent¬†the¬†message this morning¬†did some careful¬†selection of which answers confirmed what he already thought about me. I’m pretty¬†sure my position on equal marriage rights¬†doesn’t fit within the box of many religious institutions, but that belief doesn’t impact his ability to get in my pants, so why would he pay attention to that?

I was 33 years old before I really thought about why it mattered to me to wait. I don’t regret most of my past¬†sexual experiences, but I have learned more about myself through them. For my own peace of mind I’ll go ahead and tell you why I want to wait to have sex till I’m married again.
1) I’ve learned that I must have an emotional connection in order for it to be worth it. For me, if there’s no connection, then there’s no real trust, and if there’s no trust, then I’m inhibited. If you’re inhibited at your most intimate moments, then is it really a good experience? Not for me.
wpid-5d3ec82233f506015e7d64227aa94632.jpg2) Whomever my future husband turns out to be, I want him to know that I was thinking about and preparing my heart, mind, and body for him even before I knew how he was. There’s something meaningful, even sacred, within that idea for me. It’s my choice, and I hope it is seen as a way of honoring my future husband through purposeful consideration.

Most of you reading this know I’ve been¬†married and¬†have had one¬†relationship since being divorced. Those aren’t things I¬†address¬†in my profile because¬†I believe they don’t need to come up (much like¬†questions about¬†intimacy) before even meeting in person. Those experiences have influenced how I¬†feel now about having sex before I’m (hopefully) married again.

Sure, I could send¬†those details in a message to this guy, but honestly, if the thought of eventually worshipping with me at church while simultaneously not being able to immediately have sex with me make even¬†the initial pursuit of Moi off-putting then I’m gonna guess we ain’t destined to be together, good buddy (while also making some assumptions about your character, but I won’t post that because it’s exactly what he did to me and I didn’t like it).

I guess I will end this by saying if you’re lucky enough to have found your “forever,” then don’t forget about those of us still looking. For most of us, we’re doing what we know to do. The dating game doesn’t get easier the longer you play it.

This morning I received a message on¬†OkCupid: After reading it I waited a few minutes to decide if I should reply because I could tell I was irritated at being called “strict” and “religious.” Those two words combined are particularly offensive to me, but as I mulled over a reply I decided it was possible […]

Apparently I Make Life “Complex.” Revelations from Online Dating.

Online Dating No Comments

It happened quietly and with little (or NO) fanfare. Last Tuesday I re-entered the world of online dating.

The previous Sunday I attended a workshop at my church offered by author Gary Thomas. He did several workshops that weekend about parenting and marriage, but this workshop was about the Sacred Search. I was reluctant to sign up because I thought he would have nothing new to tell me, but I also felt as though this was something I had been asking my church to do for a while; “this” being providing some kind of ministry to single folks like me.

I am beyond grateful I went to the workshop. I learned so much and have a much better perspective on dating and marriage now. It’s hard to believe that one workshop would influence me so much, and I can only believe that God put Gary Thomas at our church for a reason. I know I am not the only one who appreciated his weekend of work.

Anyway, I don’t think I can technically talk too much about what he said, but you should buy the book. It’s great.

I'd say both of these books have been critical to my new attitude.

I’d say both of these books have been critical to my new attitude.

I took a lot away from the workshop, but something in particular influenced me to jump back in to online dating. Gary believes our generation (and the last several) has been tricked into believing the myth that there is just ONE person in the world with whom we’ll find true love.

Really? Out of 7 BILLION people?? Nah.

I’m with Gary on this. I think we have a lot more choice in who we marry. I certainly had a choice before, and I didn’t base that marriage on very many solid judgments or else I wouldn’t have done it.

Don’t get me wrong. I still don’t regret a lot of my journey, but I want to make very sure I don’t take that same path in the future.

So, I find myself willingly back on display.

logic

First things first, my intent is not to wrap up my self-confidence in any attention (or lack of) from this site…and I’m only doing one.

Second, my focus is different. Before I was hesitant to gush about my love for Jesus because I was afraid it would give guys the wrong impression; that they may think I was a Bible-thumper who never had fun and took things too seriously. Now I know if me loving Jesus is something that scares them away, well, then they’re not someone who would be able to love me the way I want.

Lastly, I think I gotta lay off being too critical and even cruel to some of these guys in my posts on Facebook and this blog. I know it was funny to post some of the stupid stuff before, but I also think it was petty of me, and I often felt bad about it; especially when they hadn’t harmed me in any way and were just trying to flatter me or get my attention. That being said, I still intend to call out shameful or poor behavior while also being accountable for my own (hopefully there’s none¬†of that).

Ok, so eight days of online dating: “What’s been going on,” you may ask…..

I’ve gotten a good amount of messages, but I can’t say I’ve replied to any. Again, my focus is different. I’m not just looking for attention. I’m paying a little bit more attention to some of those qualities I’ve always desired from my checklist, but had tossed out before so I wasn’t “limiting” myself. Turns out I’m ok with limiting myself if it’s my choice.

From experience, I can say that no matter how kindly and tactfully the “I’m not interested” message is composed, it doesn’t seem to burn any less, so my choice is not to respond.

Well, apparently that choice infuriated a certain user. Here’s the evidence:

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Surely he means “cocky” right? I dunno. I supposed I could be cooky, too.

I could go into a litany of reasons why I didn’t reply, including that he uses the number “69” in his username (although he swears it is just because that’s his dad’s age), but I won’t.

Basically, my friends, if you know a single, quality guy, let a sister know.

If not, and you just want to tell me how I’m “too good” for online dating….then keep your opinion to yourself and say a prayer for me instead.

I asked Gary Thomas what his feelings were about online dating, and I liked his perspective. He said something to the effect of “I get it; online dating is rife with horror stories, but guess what…Dating PERIOD comes with a lot of horror stories.”

So, here’s to some horror stories, and maybe eventually I’ll get a good story to tell; in more ways than one.

<3

Lisa

It happened quietly and with little (or NO) fanfare. Last Tuesday I re-entered the world of online dating. The previous Sunday I attended a workshop at my church offered by author Gary Thomas. He did several workshops that weekend about parenting and marriage, but this workshop was about the Sacred Search. I was reluctant to […]

Twoo Wuv

Deep Thoughts | Online Dating No Comments

storming the castleTonight I deleted my OkCupid! dating profile.

It was a long overdue move.

I have been accused of not trying hard enough. I have been accused of trying too hard.

I have been told it will happen when I least expect it. I have been told to stop looking for it.

I have been told all of that by people who can’t relate to 99% of my “journey” or by people who have forgotten what it’s like to want something so much that even when you aren’t consciously and actively searching for “it” the desire is still a glowing ember inside of you that won’t be stifled no matter how much you ignore it.

I have been told to trust God. I have trusted God and I still do trust that God will make all things work together for my good.

Believe it or not, there is actually a LOT of stuff I don’t share on Facebook. Some people won’t believe that, and it’s ok. Those closest to me know how much I leave off even though I am accused of “posting too much” or “sharing everything.”

I think people say those things to discourage me from being…well, from being me.

For the most part, what you see is what you get with me. I don’t try to hide or put on a front unless it is for safety around people who have demonstrated I cannot trust them.

I didn’t share a couple of the precipitating events from the week, but I will here, because it is important to me that people understand how much their commentary offers no merit to the exile that is being single/divorced and almost 33.

Last week (the great snowcation of 2014) I was messaging with several guys who were polite and it was nice. A girl actually contacted me and guided me to her male friend from church who was on the site, and we have maintained some email contact over the last week or so. He’s handsome and polite and resembles my best friend’s husband…that’s not weird (and he has the same name).

proctologistAnother guy had sent me several messages on the site over the last few years, but I was never interested. Last week I decided to reply to the newest message he’d sent citing the “Try something different than the usual” mentality.

After a few messages back and forth we exchanged phone numbers. We realized we had a few mutual friends and texted about that before he asked if I wanted to talk (you know…old fashioned-like). It was after 10pm and I was not feeling well. I explained that and said I was going to bed. He acknowledged that, and then called anyway. Strike 2 (He already had a pre-existing strike from the years I spent NOT being interested). At first, I thought the conversation was going fine, but after 15 minutes I was done. The entire conversation (at least 75 minutes) was spent with him name-dropping every celebrity from Gary Lezak to Steven Curtis Chapman. He made several sexual jokes to which I did not respond, and when he stated “You must not have heard that” after I didn’t laugh I replied, “Yes. I did.” I think he even had himself convinced I was moving in with him by the end of the conversation. When I made the comment that I didn’t see myself staying the night at his house just to sleep in before heading to work he asked “You’re not like ‘super-religious’ are you?”

No, man. I’m just not willing to sign over my heart and body to you after 3 OkCupid messages, 4 texts, and an annoyingly-long phone call.

I hope he hadn’t gotten my face tattooed on his bicep during that call. That could be painful to remove.

Really this descent into douche-baggery has been going on since 2014 started. I went on a lunch date with a really nice guy who closely resembled The Rock, and he is the only exception to this trend. (Shout out to T/K if you’re still out there)

On 2/10 this message exchange took place:
His profile stated he was a doctor. He was handsome and a Christian…and he could spell. It was all going well until…

nerdyhugeboobsKcTexan’s account has now been disabled. *shrugs*

The Facebook strand on that message was pretty hilarious from my friends and family.

God bless all of you for being in my life and keeping me laughing.

Then, today, this message exchange happened:cutepaunchy

When I received the very first message I looked up “paunchy” to be sure it meant what I thought it meant: “Having a round belly.”

It did.

BUT! while I was googling an option appeared for the “Shakespearian” definition, so thinking maybe that could be more romantic I selected it: “Pot-Bellied.”

What I didn’t post on Facebook was his last reply, so here ya go:

cpoffendedI guess I missed the part where he asked for forgiveness. Either way, he has the Lord’s forgiveness so he doesn’t need mine, but he can have it. He’s not gonna leave a lasting impression on me.

Most of this wouldn’t have irked me as much as it did if it weren’t paired with finding a random pic of the ex-husband and his girlfriend (I assume) with a caption saying something like “I’m so in love with Mr. Wonderful.” *gag*

Let me be clear: I do not begrudge anyone of finding love; not even the ex-husband. Although my experience with him was not grand I do hope he finds love with someone….

I’m just self-centeredly pissed off that I don’t get to be in love because I deserve it more.

Yes. It is lonely up here on my high horse….sitting out on the desolate exile island…in the middle of the abandoned ocean.

So, there you have it. I’ll disable the E-harmony account next. It’s the most expensive and the most worthless for me. It may work for others, but not this gal.

For the record, I would still recommend OkCupid! for those new to online dating or looking for a free site to try. I explained in my breakup letter to the site that “It’s not you. It’s me.”

I hope they take it well.

sought the lord

 

It’s me and God¬†now, I suppose. The goal is always to know Him more. Maybe that’s the point of all of this.

I’ve wondered this lately:
If I got everything I wanted (love, job, family, etc) would I still praise God? Would I still seek Him?

I don’t know. I’d like to think I would.

In the meantime, I’ll just go ahead and praise and seek Him now.

<3

Lisa

Tonight I deleted my OkCupid! dating profile. It was a long overdue move. I have been accused of not trying hard enough. I have been accused of trying too hard. I have been told it will happen when I least expect it. I have been told to stop looking for it. I have been told […]

Dating Spawns New Mathematical Formula: 1 Stood Up Female = 4 Cupcakes

Online Dating | Point and Laugh No Comments

Several weeks ago I received a message from a guy on OkCupid! It was a thoughtful message, well-written, and asked good follow-up questions. I checked out his profile and everything seemed great enough to silence the pink flags popping up as I read through it.
(I say “pink” because they weren’t quite “red” flags).

Pink Flags:
4 years younger (so you woulda been a freshman when I was a senior…creepy, but more acceptable at this age)
Tall and Fit (hopefully your vision isn’t impaired and you can see that I’m neither tall nor fit)

Plusses:
Tall and Fit (Ironic, right?)
4 years younger (oh yeah…I’m hot stuff)
Perfect grammar and spelling
Well-dressed (almost a little TOO professional, but I’ve been accused of being too dressy at times)
Pictures with family (nieces and nephews)
Pictures with friends
NO selfies
Expressed a desire for a serious relationship
Claimed a religion and listed “God” as something important to him

Mostly because I ate 4 cupcakes...

Mostly because I ate 4 cupcakes…

Based on all those details I decided to write this fella back. I did, and we exchanged several long messages where each time my sense of humor was noted and he asked more questions. Because I am aware that I suck at asking questions, but am super awesome at talking about myself (in case you hadn’t noticed), so I tried to make sure I was being thoughtful and complimentary as well.

After several days he sent his phone number and I texted the next day. At one point he asked for a picture “for his iPhone contacts,” which I always feel is semi-weird since I have 9 on my profile, but was assured by a friend that it seemed innocent enough, so I sent one that was already on my profile (because I’m a brat). We spent several days (maybe even over a week) texting and such and the time had come to meet, like for real real….

He asked my plans for this weekend. I replied “Kickball Friday. Church and football Sunday).” Clearly this indicated I was free for Saturday, but he never took the leap….

Saturday morning I slept in a little (so maybe 8:30) and after a while he sent a text asking how I slept. I didn’t respond for a bit because I continued dozing off, and knew I would be unable to relax if we set a date, and I still wanted to sleep a little.

My stomach was already starting its nervous routine whenever I meet someone for the first time. It sucks.

Eventually he sent another text asking what I was doing. We chatted back and fort a bit and he asked what I was doing tonight. I replied I had plans with Katie at some point, but wasn’t sure what time yet. Again, he said nothing, so I am thinking maybe he is just nervous to put it out there, so I ask if he likes coffee.

I’m assuming this will be the day we meet, so I begin painting my nails…all 20 of them, including an accent nail on each hand. My fingernails looked damn good with the light gray paint (and 2 with a sparkle effect). It was the best job I’d ever done on them, so I was pretty sure that was a good sign (my toes are a different story…why do we even have toenails if they’re going to be so minute???).

My stomach had let me know 3 times by now that I was definitely nervous even though my hands weren’t shaking while nail-painting, so I took some meds. This is a big deal because I am blessed (read “cursed”) with very sensitive guts, so any medicine endures for days, and winds up making me just as miserable, but with the opposite effect. Now you know, you’re welcome.

(Please imagine me speaking the next parts to you in a rapid-fire manner so you can understand it better)

He replied that he loved coffee, so I suggested we meet for coffee somewhere today.

At 12:35 he said that sounded great and asked what time I was thinking??? I said “I have to meet my mom at 4, so maybe 2:30??”

He said that would work and asked “where?”

I asked if he wanted to try for some place in between both of us since we live about 40 miles apart. (Now, this isn’t fair, but in the back of my mind I kinda think the guy should come to the girl first. That precedent was set by the last several guys offering and me trying to be overly accommodating, but at least they offered).

I tried looking up some places and couldn’t really find any, so I suggested a place just north of downtown.

No reply.

I proceeded to get ready. I hate shaving, but seeing as it’s 99,000 degrees outside right now I knew I wouldn’t want to wear jeans. In fact, a friend recently gave me a bunch of dresses I look really cute wearing, so I was even contemplating donning one of those…because what boy doesn’t like a gal in a dress??

Because I was nervous (and generally suck at life) I cut myself shaving at least twice and had a nice blood-trail coming from both knees. Ow.

Once I got out of the shower it was about 1:40, so I checked my phone, still no reply. If you call or text me ever, you know that sometimes my phone hates me. Katie can provide testimony for this should you doubt it.
Because of that fact, I texted him again asking, “So 2:30 works?”
No reply.

I continued to get ready, changing outfits multiple times and sweating like a fiend even though I had applied 2 different types of douchetarddeodorant in at least 4 alternating layers (detail only slightly exaggerated). I settled for the newer tighter capris, sexy underpants (because even though no one is gonna see them just you knowing you have them on boosts your confidence, and you’re a liar if you say otherwise), with my Wonder Woman t-shirt. Yep. I was adorbs. In fact, I still am as I typing this in the same outfit.

At 2:15 I left, still not having received a reply, and ignoring what my intuition was already telling me.

While en route, at 2:22 I received a text from him saying “Sorry. My phone died.”

My “BS” alarm was as loud as the tornado sirens on the first Wednesday of the month and just as familiar.

Now, there was still a chance he had acted with integrity and actually left his home knowing he would have to be somewhere at 2:30, but I decided I better ask, since there were many other plans for this day that were hinging on this one activity.
“So I’m guessing 2:30 won’t work…”

“I’m sorry, no I’m still at home ūüôĀ maybe later we could grab drinks?”

*super ginormous eye roll*
“Bummer. I can’t. Already have plans with Katie.”

“Do you? Well alrighty then LOL”

I sent nothing in response to that, but here is what I thought:
No, not LOL…I have no idea what’s funny. Is it that you think I’m stupid enough to think your phone died, or are you laughing in relief that you just got out of having to meet me?? Because rest assured, you will NOT be meeting me. And why are you surprised that I have plans with Katie? I already told you that earlier.

“But Lisa, what if his phone really did die?” you might be asking.
Put yourself in the situation: Your phone dies, for nearly two hours, just after you’ve planned a date with the girl with whom YOU initiated contact and continued to initiate contact several times. You do nothing?
Hmmm…no. You bust your ass to get your phone charged or to use another method of getting in contact with her (like the original dating site on which you found her). OR, knowing that you had agreed upon 2:30, perhaps you should have been prepared to leave your house before 2:22…

“Well, why don’t you just cancel your plans or take Katie with you and meet the guy??” you might also be asking.
1)That’s just stupid and you should stop asking that, but I’ll answer anyway.
2)) I don’t cancel plans with friends for a guy I’ve never met. Even if we had met, I don’t cancel plans with friends for a guy. I’d make it work somehow.
3) If that wasn’t good enough go back to #1 and we’ll just leave it at that. :p

Now, dear friend, this is not your fault, but I ignored some of my intuition with this guy because people have told me I am “too picky” or that I have weird reasons for not talking to guys or going out with them. I realize I open myself up for that feedback by putting myself out there in so many ways, but please know this guy, although seemingly initially harmless, was a guy I realized I could get over some of my own insecurities about (too young, fit, etc) and go ahead and meet.

When I decide to actually meet someone it is a BIG deal. It takes a lot to overcome that anxiety and risk the possible trampling of the hopes that you should know better than to get up and actually try to keep in check.

There was literally blood loss involved with this situation.

cupcakes

Clockwise from top left: Raspberry Lemonade, German Chocolate, Twisted, Carrot Cake

Anyway, I proceeded ahead to this bakery and retrieved 4 cupcakes to share with my parents and Katie this evening.
So, I put on make up on a hot-ass day for no reason, shaved and cut myself for no reason, painted all 20 nails with 2 accent nails (ok that will look good for a few days), and wasted a cute outfit….

Shout out to Sugar Mamma’s Bakery in Briarcliff Village for taking the sting out of being stood up.

So, tonight I will be at home, watching movies and making popcorn with Katie, while we eat cupcakes….

Oh, and I won’t be pooping for days because I was so nervous about this potential date I had to take meds.
If I was vindictive I would bag up that eventual poo and send it to him, but because that is gross I just settle for writing this post. ūüôā

***We can all laugh when I wind up marrying the guy (who has since sent another text of his favorite college team’s mascot…3 hours later)***

Several weeks ago I received a message from a guy on OkCupid! It was a thoughtful message, well-written, and asked good follow-up questions. I checked out his profile and everything seemed great enough to silence the pink flags popping up as I read through it. (I say “pink” because they weren’t quite “red” flags). Pink […]

What NOT to Say…

Online Dating No Comments

My good friend, Justin (who I call Hustino in my head…now he knows), sometimes expresses frustration with dating sites. Specifically, he doesn’t understand why women don’t respond when he takes the time to compose a thoughtfully crafted message.

I have a hard time explaining it to him because I am guilty of not replying to those types of messages myself.

There are two pretty specific reasons why I don’t respond:

1) I peruse the guy’s profile and find several things within it that are questionable:

Exhibit A:
Screenshot_2013-07-24-16-56-59

I realize what you see here doesn’t seem so bad; just poor grammar. Posting something like this causes people to give me so much grief.

So, in my defense, please see

Exhibit B:

Screenshot_2013-09-01-07-59-15

Oh, yes. He wants a love like Twilight. So, just no. I didn’t screenshot it, but the rest of his profile continues for PARAGRAPHS with extremely precise detail of what he would do during “our” first sexual encounter. I think he might have seen a different version of the Twilight movies; perhaps one he picked up in a shop through a doorway covered by a black curtain.

Another thing I often see on a profile that will immediately rule out a reply to a thoughtful message is when a guy talks about how much he loves his kids and not too long after that talks about how much he loves sex. Just….ew.

2) The other defense I have is this, Hustino, once I wade through the types of messages you’ll see below, some wonderfully grammatically correct…some not, it takes a great deal of hope, faith, and plain old energy to overlook something you see on a profile that might not quite click with what you want.
I now present Exhibits C through R:

Screenshot_2013-06-06-13-02-18
Please define “facially attractive.” Also, please mail me the decoder ring for the rest of your message.

    Screenshot_2013-06-10-21-41-30
Look! I replied and he still didn’t take the hint.

  Screenshot_2013-06-12-09-39-41
Yes, I was just thinking this seemed like a movie. How did he know that???

Screenshot_2013-06-16-22-44-03
I definitely reported this guy. I don’t think Katie has ever been mistaken for a white girl before…

 Screenshot_2013-07-26-08-50-03
Impregnating?? I’ll alert my parents! They will be so excited. Nevermind that I narrowly escaped being impregnated by an “emotionally unstable” ex-husband. Psssh tosh! Technically, I didn’t escape it now that I think about it, but it’s never really helpful to think about it.

Screenshot_2013-08-05-23-40-56
Oh, this guy. I let him know I didn’t just want to be his FWB (friends with benefits) so he thought he would try for Katie. She sure gets a lot of attention on MY dating profile. :p

Screenshot_2013-08-31-21-34-58
But not spell check…

Screenshot_2013-09-01-17-17-31
Grammatically great….However, I think you should reevaluate ending your message with that question, sir.

Screenshot_2013-09-01-17-17-40
Nothing wrong with whaaaa? Not only are you referring to me as an older chick, you are also mistyping it. I have a feeling this is n’t your best effort.

Screenshot_2013-09-01-17-18-15
Just FYI, I’ve received this message no less than 5 times. I replied once in a very kind way, but it hasn’t stopped them. I told him I had enough competition with all the wonderful ladies in the world and wouldn’t want to have the male population to contend with also. ūüôā

Screenshot_2013-09-01-17-18-32
Are you proposing to be that guy, sir?

Screenshot_2013-09-01-17-21-24
Thanks for the info???…

  Screenshot_2013-09-01-17-22-17
WTH? I don’t say anything about being previously married or divorced in my profile. I must give off a vibe…or this guy is a douche bag. I’m going with that.

  Screenshot_2013-09-01-17-22-44
Uhhh….

Screenshot_2013-09-01-17-24-03
I’m not even sure what there is to respond to, here…Like how interested? On a scale of “u” to “you?”

Screenshot_2013-09-01-17-25-33
Clearly I was on to this guy’s plan….

desert

I don’t have a great conclusion here. All I know is that after wading through all the BS you see here, which is really just the tip of the iceberg, it takes a lot to garner a reply. Even when I reply with a polite “no, thanks” (essentially), it usually goes wrong.

The best advice: don’t take it personally. It’s most definitely THEM and not you. They’re doing you a favor. ūüôā

My good friend, Justin (who I call Hustino in my head…now he knows), sometimes expresses frustration with dating sites. Specifically, he doesn’t understand why women don’t respond when he takes the time to compose a thoughtfully crafted message. I have a hard time explaining it to him because I am guilty of not replying to […]

I Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Online Dating | Point and Laugh No Comments

I began online dating about 4 years ago and have met several guys over the last few years. When you start online dating your family and friends who aren’t used to that do all they can to make it awkward and to assure you that you will be abducted and murdered if you meet a guy through this method. The media doesn’t help with that notion.

Online dating can be difficult to traverse all on its own due to the ambiguity and lack of interpersonal interactions, but should you actually establish a connection the hope is you get together in real life.

There are all kind of publications about first-meeting jitters and how to keep the moment interesting; however, should you choose to meet a fella in the real world there are some basic, yet vital, safety rules to follow to keep yourself safe now that you are venturing in to the world of ACTUAL dating (aka certain abduction and possible murder. I say possible because if you follow the rules you may escape with your life):

1) Meet in a public place
Never have this person you’ve never met (nor properly vetted) pick you up at your house nor should you go to his house. When you each drive your own vehicle to meet at a mutually agreed upon bar, coffee shop, or park, the hope is it will discourage the man from abducting and murdering you because of all the people around.

2) Tell people where you’re going
This is so your family and friends will know where to tell law enforcement to start looking for your body when they realize you’re missing. Hopefully you will be located soon enough that you are identifiable and can maybe be presentable for your funeral viewing. No body wants to pay for a closed casket service.

3) Know your exit strategy
Having a plan for escape is helpful in case the guy has terrible breath OR you get a glimpse into his gym bag and spot ropes and trash bags. You’ll want to make not of your exits when you arrive at your designated meeting space. Other critical elements of a strategy could range from simply having a friend call to check on you to excusing yourself to the restroom in order to escape through the window or run out of the back of the restaurant.

Ok, ok. Although those 3 rules are actually really good advice for meeting someone who is essentially a stranger, perhaps I was a bit overboard with my explanations.

To be honest, I learned how essential it was to follow those rules after I broke all of them the first time I met a guy, and I will NEVER break them again. Although this story is very humorous to tell now, it was a little stressful and VERY WEIRD when it was happening.

Here’s the story of the time I didn’t get abducted and murdered on my first date with a guy from the internet.

4 years ago I joined the online dating site that was the most advertised on social media. On this site there was no real scientific method for matching. It was based upon age, sex, location, and income.

One morning, after I had been browsing my matches the night before, I received a message from a guy saying something like this:
“I saw you checked me out. Do you like what you see?”

Barf. I should’ve known right then and there to get away, but I was so new to the experience and someone sent me a message! It was exciting. Honestly, I couldn’t see the guy in his pictures at all because he was so far away in them. What I couldn’t tell was that he was younger version of Paul Giamatti, the actor.

giamatti

This is Paul Giamatti.

This is PG in Planet of the Apes. The guy looked like a combination of both of them but less attractive...

This is PG in Planet of the Apes. The guy looked like a combination of both of them but less attractive…

Eventually I wound up talking with (we’ll just call him) “Paul” on the phone and learned we grew up in the same neighborhood and knew some of the same people. Apparently in my mind that meant he must be ok. We decided to meet and he asked if I would accompany him to with some of his friends. I thought meeting his friends was a little strange, but again, I didn’t know what I was doing, so I said ok. Meeting new people is a good thing, right? Ermmm…..

I got my hair done that afternoon and my friend Kassey did my hair to make me look extra sexy. The night of the date came and Paul kept saying it wouldn’t be right if he didn’t pick me up. Against everything I had read I let him pick me up and I even made him come to the door and meet my folks. As soon as I opened the door there was another red flag; he smelled like smoke. He told me he was a non-smoker….

After briefly chatting with my parents we walked out the front door to his truck. His Chevy truck. The night before my best friend Katie told me her theory that all guys who drive Chevy trucks are d-bags, so when I saw his truck (with a crack all the way across the windshield), I chuckled. I got into the truck and it wreaked of smoke. Before we backed out of the driveway he retrieved his cigarettes from the visor and began to light up. He paused, looked over at me and said, “Oh yeah. I smoke.” He lied and he knew it….and here we were backing out of the driveway. Sh*t.

d bag apocalypse

As we drove down the highway he was getting passed by other cars and I thought everyone was driving crazy. I glanced at his speedometer to see we were going ¬†Zero miles an hour….that wasn’t possible. We were definitely moving on the highway. He said “Oh yeah. My speedometer’s broken.” Classy.

We were less than 5 miles from my house and still less than 15 minutes into our first meeting and he asked, “So you were married. What happened with that? Why didn’t you guys have kids?” Again, I was a rookie. I didn’t tell him to eff off…I actually answered as briefly as I could even explaining that I’d had a miscarriage earlier that year right before the marriage ended. I bet all the articles say “don’t talk about your miscarriage and subsequent failed marriage on your first date,” but he must not have read the articles that said “Don’t ask incredibly personal question before even arriving at the location for your date.”

Eventually we arrived at Zona Rosa, but as it was a Saturday evening it was very crowded. He was squeezing his large truck through very tight spaces, and at one point he was window to window with a woman in an SUV who was too close to his truck. He was in closer proximity to the operator of this vehicle than he was to me in the passenger seat. It was intense. He rolled down his window and began to yell at this poor woman. I am certain I was making the big eyes. Was this really happening? “Paul” looked at me and said “I don’t usually do stuff like that…who am I kidding…yeah I do.” Sweet baby Jesus…what was going on?

Coincidentally, as we made our way to a parking spot I noticed my best friend Laura was leaving another parking lot. I wanted to scream out to her. I really should have, but I didn’t want to be rude and had already decided I could make it through for the free dinner.

vodka

As we parked he told me we had actually gotten there a little earlier than his friends so we could walk around and get to know each other better. Awesome. Oh, I’m failing to mention he was chain-smoking the entire time. As we walked he asked me, AGAIN, “So why didn’t you and your husband have kids?” Ok, not only did I already go through the painful scenario earlier in his busted up truck, now you mean to tell me he wasn’t even listening???? I think I made up some generic statement about timing and didn’t re-explain.

We continued walking and he asked if I liked purses….whaaaa??? I said, “Sure.” He said, “Let’s go to Dillard’s and look at purses. Which kind do you like; Gucci, Dooney & Burke, Prada?”
I told him I normally just pick something out at Target.
“I see. Well, what about perfume? Do you have a scent you like?”
I replied that I’m more a Bath & Body works kind of gal.
Dejected he stated, “Oh, well I like to buy my girlfriends stuff.”

What in the world? Did I miss the secret sign that meant I was his girlfriend? Was Jareth going to appear out of thin air and tell me about the consequences of making wishes?

We went into Dillard’s and he kept trying to get me to pick out a purse, but I just couldn’t do it. After maybe 5 minutes I steered us back out of the store and we went to sit and wait for his friends.

The entire time he was very complimentary about my beauty and would tell me I looked just like my pictures, and he was so relieved that I did.

All I thought was “Your tiny pictures gave no indication you were a Giamatti-esque liar-face.”

Just before we walked inside the restaurant to meet his friends he told me it was actually a 30th birthday party celebration for his buddy and that he had told all of his friends we’d been dating a while, so he really didn’t want me to let on that it was our first date.

Hopefully you can see ALL the reasons why you take your own car and plan an emergency phone call at this point. I needed out, but I didn’t know what to do.

His friends came, all 15 of them (not kidding), and we were seated. Mercifully his friends seemed like nice people, so I talked to them and ignored the HELL out of his ass through the main course…..

Until…

He put his hand on my leg.

Oh hellllll no! I immediately excused myself to the restroom WITH my cell phone.

Once in the restroom I texted Katie saying I would be at her house shortly. I couldn’t even stand to have this guy take me back home and KT lived a mile or so away. While in there I struck up a conversation with a total stranger about Johnny Depp and his recent movie choices. ANYTHING to keep me away from this guy.

When I finally returned to the table he asked if I was alright and mentioned I had been gone for a while. I would not be surprised if he had actually timed me. I didn’t have to answer because his friends began talking about where they were going next to really get the party started.

We left and I had him drop me at Katie’s place. I said goodbye and hopped out of his truck. He sped away so fast he squealed his tires. He didn’t even wait to make sure I got inside (why was I surprised?).

Katie took me home while I told her all that had transpired. You would think the story was finished.

The next morning I was chatting with my friend Jen on Facebook and telling her how awful the date had been. As I was regaling her “Paul” sent me a message asking “What went wrong last night?”

I really wanted to ignore him, but felt that would be tactless and disrespectful. As nicely as I could I told him that although I enjoyed dinner and his friends were very nice, I didn’t feel any chemistry between us.

He asked what that meant…. REALLY DUDE?!?!? Sheesh.

crazy

I attempted to rephrase it in a similarly tactful way, but he still didn’t like what I had to say and immediately unfriended me.

Good riddance!

So, I didn’t get abducted and/or murdered, but really, there were many moments during that evening where they seemed like the better option. ūüôā

bright side

I began online dating about 4 years ago and have met several guys over the last few years. When you start online dating your family and friends who aren’t used to that do all they can to make it awkward and to assure you that you will be abducted and murdered if you meet a […]

Am I Doing this Wrong?

Online Dating No Comments

Earlier this week I had dinner with Justin and Katie. Justin and I were again lamenting being single and the commiserating over the awfulness of online dating. He and I agreed we needed to be able to really meet people, you know, like IN PERSON. We both have brilliant personalities but can’t get the chance to show them off and feel any real chemistry with online dating.

reason I'm singleAnd sooo…..

Tonight my “Summer of Saying Yes and Trying New Things” lead me (and Justin) to my first Singles “mixer” type event.
I’m not sure I have any solid, coherent thoughts on the event, but I need to process it, so here ya go.First, you should know I accidentally marked my sexual preference as “female” at my doctor’s office yesterday. It was a long questionnaire about my health history and I wasn’t paying attention. I have three psych degrees, so I am very aware that Dr. Freud would have a field day with my mistake.
I digress, but with reason, because I left my first singles mixer and only exchanged numbers with one person; a 38 year-old female.
This isn’t going to be a post where I announce a change in my sexual preference. Sorry if you were hoping for that. :p
I left with her number because the ladies in the room (with the exception of Justin) were the only interesting people worth talking to who also seemed to be interested in hearing what I had to say.

surrenderThe ratio of guys to girls was actually quite decent, and that was a surprise. I have no problem saying “hello” and introducing myself. I did this several times but each time failed to hold attention when (from my perspective) a long-legged, more slender person of my gender (I only did that for the rhyme) would walk by the guy with whom I was conversing.

Eventually Justin and I left with our new friend Amy to grab a bite to eat. As we were walked over to another restaurant I learned that Amy and I are practically neighbors (we even use the same road for walking/running), attend the same church, and even graduated from the same high school.
Amy’s story was far more compelling than anyone else I talked to this evening.
Oh, and I would say meeting her came with its own unique “message from God.”

Amy has her own unique story that brought her to a singles event, but when I found out we attended the same church I told her how I was working with some of the church leadership to get a singles outlet of some kind going at our church. She was very excited by that and was looking forward to having a place to “fit in” at our church.

god footsteps

So, even though I feel like this event was a flop as it pertains to changing my relationship status, I feel like it was an affirmation that I am headed in the right direction as it concerns my new involvement with the singles ministry at church.

I’ll take a silver lining wherever I can find it. ūüôā

I don’t know if I’m aiming too high and that’s why it seemed that none of the 20 guys there were worth talking to (but I did still talk to them), but I do know I’m happy I tried something new and met a new friend.

 

 

*****This post gets an edit, which I rarely do*****

 
I really thought I would get more credit than I have received from so many comments on the book of faces, text messages, and other media sources.

1) Justin and I didn’t ride together, walk in together, NOR did we even show up at the same time. We were pretty set on not blocking each other’s vibe. We’re aware of how our friendship presents itself, so we knew not to sit together. I think we talked alone twice.

2) Justin will tell you there were really no quality guys there (within my age range or not) even though there was a large number of males. This reinforces my belief that KC is not a good city for single women. There was the 23 year-old who couldn’t escape the Frat house mentality or the 35 year-old Russian guy who interrupted everyone’s conversation with “Hi. I’m ____ and I’m a jerk because I interrupt people’s conversations.” He was right and also only in town for 10 months. I would talk to a guy and when the same 2-3 girls would walk by it was the same routine: Nodding and saying uh-huh while turning their entire body to stare at these girls. ZERO CLASS.

3) These guys weren’t interested in “What do you do? Where are you from?” types of questions. It was a game of who can have more of a presence to block-off the petite blond girl (who was super cute) and her tall brunette friend? These same 2 girls kept getting blocked in by groups of 3 and 4 guys at a time. If only I was 4’11” and blond. Alas, I am a beautiful, 5’7″ curvy brunette…and damn proud of the work it took to be me.

and 4) In Justin’s own words, “Just because two people are single, searching, and bad-ass doesn’t mean they are meant to be a couple.” He and I have a fantastic friendship. It’s fulfilling and empowering as a friendship and doesn’t need to be more, nor do either of us want it to be more. We’ll just continue to be fodder. :p

Earlier this week I had dinner with Justin and Katie. Justin and I were again lamenting being single and the commiserating over the awfulness of online dating. He and I agreed we needed to be able to really meet people, you know, like IN PERSON. We both have brilliant personalities but can’t get the chance […]