An Ode to a Vestigial Organ

Getting Personal (aka a little TMI) | Point and Laugh No Comments

Once upon a time I had an appendix. Now I don’t.

It’s said that everyone mourns a loss in a deeply personal way. Upon suggestion of the KT I have decided to write a eulogy for my once useless, uhhh…thing.

Dear appendix,

I’m sorry we never really got to know each other; or maybe I mistook your advances for really bad gas. I know I did that at least once last summer because I had a boyfriend. I was too embarrassed to be taken to the ER on the off-chance the doctors would tell me I just had an epic-ally impacted poo awaiting me. Everyone knows girlfriends don’t poo. I’m sorry I was inadvertently ashamed of you when all you wanted was some attention.

I suppose the real loss here is 3 emergency days off work I had to take. Those are the things I will really miss. It’s like you knew my personal challenge and chose to sabotage me.

Thanks for NOT doing that...jerkface.

Thanks for NOT doing that…jerkface.

To be fair, the way you ultimately got the attention you so lazily sought kind of makes you a douchebag. All I wanted was one last nap before I had to go back to work for the school year. In the end, I guess I got a nice, memory-erasing nap. I really appreciated being alert enough to know I was gasping for air as the anesthesia took effect. That wasn’t terrifying or anything, so yeah, cool.

So what was it that set you off? You just hung out inside of me, doing NOTHING, and you decide you’re through and you want out? Well that could sum up a couple of my relationships, so you aren’t in very good company.

In summary, I didn’t know you for the 32 years while you dangled all wobbly-like inside my guts, and know that you’re out of me, I don’t think I shall recall you too fondly.

Please trust that you shall be recalled because of the 3 nice-sized scars I will have because of your shenanigans.

Your memory will love on through them and through phantom appendix pains.

Good riddance.

Your host body,

Lisa

Once upon a time I had an appendix. Now I don’t. It’s said that everyone mourns a loss in a deeply personal way. Upon suggestion of the KT I have decided to write a eulogy for my once useless, uhhh…thing. Dear appendix, I’m sorry we never really got to know each other; or maybe I […]

I Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Online Dating | Point and Laugh No Comments

I began online dating about 4 years ago and have met several guys over the last few years. When you start online dating your family and friends who aren’t used to that do all they can to make it awkward and to assure you that you will be abducted and murdered if you meet a guy through this method. The media doesn’t help with that notion.

Online dating can be difficult to traverse all on its own due to the ambiguity and lack of interpersonal interactions, but should you actually establish a connection the hope is you get together in real life.

There are all kind of publications about first-meeting jitters and how to keep the moment interesting; however, should you choose to meet a fella in the real world there are some basic, yet vital, safety rules to follow to keep yourself safe now that you are venturing in to the world of ACTUAL dating (aka certain abduction and possible murder. I say possible because if you follow the rules you may escape with your life):

1) Meet in a public place
Never have this person you’ve never met (nor properly vetted) pick you up at your house nor should you go to his house. When you each drive your own vehicle to meet at a mutually agreed upon bar, coffee shop, or park, the hope is it will discourage the man from abducting and murdering you because of all the people around.

2) Tell people where you’re going
This is so your family and friends will know where to tell law enforcement to start looking for your body when they realize you’re missing. Hopefully you will be located soon enough that you are identifiable and can maybe be presentable for your funeral viewing. No body wants to pay for a closed casket service.

3) Know your exit strategy
Having a plan for escape is helpful in case the guy has terrible breath OR you get a glimpse into his gym bag and spot ropes and trash bags. You’ll want to make not of your exits when you arrive at your designated meeting space. Other critical elements of a strategy could range from simply having a friend call to check on you to excusing yourself to the restroom in order to escape through the window or run out of the back of the restaurant.

Ok, ok. Although those 3 rules are actually really good advice for meeting someone who is essentially a stranger, perhaps I was a bit overboard with my explanations.

To be honest, I learned how essential it was to follow those rules after I broke all of them the first time I met a guy, and I will NEVER break them again. Although this story is very humorous to tell now, it was a little stressful and VERY WEIRD when it was happening.

Here’s the story of the time I didn’t get abducted and murdered on my first date with a guy from the internet.

4 years ago I joined the online dating site that was the most advertised on social media. On this site there was no real scientific method for matching. It was based upon age, sex, location, and income.

One morning, after I had been browsing my matches the night before, I received a message from a guy saying something like this:
“I saw you checked me out. Do you like what you see?”

Barf. I should’ve known right then and there to get away, but I was so new to the experience and someone sent me a message! It was exciting. Honestly, I couldn’t see the guy in his pictures at all because he was so far away in them. What I couldn’t tell was that he was younger version of Paul Giamatti, the actor.

giamatti

This is Paul Giamatti.

This is PG in Planet of the Apes. The guy looked like a combination of both of them but less attractive...

This is PG in Planet of the Apes. The guy looked like a combination of both of them but less attractive…

Eventually I wound up talking with (we’ll just call him) “Paul” on the phone and learned we grew up in the same neighborhood and knew some of the same people. Apparently in my mind that meant he must be ok. We decided to meet and he asked if I would accompany him to with some of his friends. I thought meeting his friends was a little strange, but again, I didn’t know what I was doing, so I said ok. Meeting new people is a good thing, right? Ermmm…..

I got my hair done that afternoon and my friend Kassey did my hair to make me look extra sexy. The night of the date came and Paul kept saying it wouldn’t be right if he didn’t pick me up. Against everything I had read I let him pick me up and I even made him come to the door and meet my folks. As soon as I opened the door there was another red flag; he smelled like smoke. He told me he was a non-smoker….

After briefly chatting with my parents we walked out the front door to his truck. His Chevy truck. The night before my best friend Katie told me her theory that all guys who drive Chevy trucks are d-bags, so when I saw his truck (with a crack all the way across the windshield), I chuckled. I got into the truck and it wreaked of smoke. Before we backed out of the driveway he retrieved his cigarettes from the visor and began to light up. He paused, looked over at me and said, “Oh yeah. I smoke.” He lied and he knew it….and here we were backing out of the driveway. Sh*t.

d bag apocalypse

As we drove down the highway he was getting passed by other cars and I thought everyone was driving crazy. I glanced at his speedometer to see we were going  Zero miles an hour….that wasn’t possible. We were definitely moving on the highway. He said “Oh yeah. My speedometer’s broken.” Classy.

We were less than 5 miles from my house and still less than 15 minutes into our first meeting and he asked, “So you were married. What happened with that? Why didn’t you guys have kids?” Again, I was a rookie. I didn’t tell him to eff off…I actually answered as briefly as I could even explaining that I’d had a miscarriage earlier that year right before the marriage ended. I bet all the articles say “don’t talk about your miscarriage and subsequent failed marriage on your first date,” but he must not have read the articles that said “Don’t ask incredibly personal question before even arriving at the location for your date.”

Eventually we arrived at Zona Rosa, but as it was a Saturday evening it was very crowded. He was squeezing his large truck through very tight spaces, and at one point he was window to window with a woman in an SUV who was too close to his truck. He was in closer proximity to the operator of this vehicle than he was to me in the passenger seat. It was intense. He rolled down his window and began to yell at this poor woman. I am certain I was making the big eyes. Was this really happening? “Paul” looked at me and said “I don’t usually do stuff like that…who am I kidding…yeah I do.” Sweet baby Jesus…what was going on?

Coincidentally, as we made our way to a parking spot I noticed my best friend Laura was leaving another parking lot. I wanted to scream out to her. I really should have, but I didn’t want to be rude and had already decided I could make it through for the free dinner.

vodka

As we parked he told me we had actually gotten there a little earlier than his friends so we could walk around and get to know each other better. Awesome. Oh, I’m failing to mention he was chain-smoking the entire time. As we walked he asked me, AGAIN, “So why didn’t you and your husband have kids?” Ok, not only did I already go through the painful scenario earlier in his busted up truck, now you mean to tell me he wasn’t even listening???? I think I made up some generic statement about timing and didn’t re-explain.

We continued walking and he asked if I liked purses….whaaaa??? I said, “Sure.” He said, “Let’s go to Dillard’s and look at purses. Which kind do you like; Gucci, Dooney & Burke, Prada?”
I told him I normally just pick something out at Target.
“I see. Well, what about perfume? Do you have a scent you like?”
I replied that I’m more a Bath & Body works kind of gal.
Dejected he stated, “Oh, well I like to buy my girlfriends stuff.”

What in the world? Did I miss the secret sign that meant I was his girlfriend? Was Jareth going to appear out of thin air and tell me about the consequences of making wishes?

We went into Dillard’s and he kept trying to get me to pick out a purse, but I just couldn’t do it. After maybe 5 minutes I steered us back out of the store and we went to sit and wait for his friends.

The entire time he was very complimentary about my beauty and would tell me I looked just like my pictures, and he was so relieved that I did.

All I thought was “Your tiny pictures gave no indication you were a Giamatti-esque liar-face.”

Just before we walked inside the restaurant to meet his friends he told me it was actually a 30th birthday party celebration for his buddy and that he had told all of his friends we’d been dating a while, so he really didn’t want me to let on that it was our first date.

Hopefully you can see ALL the reasons why you take your own car and plan an emergency phone call at this point. I needed out, but I didn’t know what to do.

His friends came, all 15 of them (not kidding), and we were seated. Mercifully his friends seemed like nice people, so I talked to them and ignored the HELL out of his ass through the main course…..

Until…

He put his hand on my leg.

Oh hellllll no! I immediately excused myself to the restroom WITH my cell phone.

Once in the restroom I texted Katie saying I would be at her house shortly. I couldn’t even stand to have this guy take me back home and KT lived a mile or so away. While in there I struck up a conversation with a total stranger about Johnny Depp and his recent movie choices. ANYTHING to keep me away from this guy.

When I finally returned to the table he asked if I was alright and mentioned I had been gone for a while. I would not be surprised if he had actually timed me. I didn’t have to answer because his friends began talking about where they were going next to really get the party started.

We left and I had him drop me at Katie’s place. I said goodbye and hopped out of his truck. He sped away so fast he squealed his tires. He didn’t even wait to make sure I got inside (why was I surprised?).

Katie took me home while I told her all that had transpired. You would think the story was finished.

The next morning I was chatting with my friend Jen on Facebook and telling her how awful the date had been. As I was regaling her “Paul” sent me a message asking “What went wrong last night?”

I really wanted to ignore him, but felt that would be tactless and disrespectful. As nicely as I could I told him that although I enjoyed dinner and his friends were very nice, I didn’t feel any chemistry between us.

He asked what that meant…. REALLY DUDE?!?!? Sheesh.

crazy

I attempted to rephrase it in a similarly tactful way, but he still didn’t like what I had to say and immediately unfriended me.

Good riddance!

So, I didn’t get abducted and/or murdered, but really, there were many moments during that evening where they seemed like the better option. 🙂

bright side

I began online dating about 4 years ago and have met several guys over the last few years. When you start online dating your family and friends who aren’t used to that do all they can to make it awkward and to assure you that you will be abducted and murdered if you meet a […]

A Coming of Age Story: The Day I Became a "Woman."

Getting Personal (aka a little TMI) | Point and Laugh No Comments
Dorothy Hamill

Dorothy Hamill

Once upon a time this awkward 32 year-old female was an awkward 12 year-old in 6th grade.
I had braces and short hair. My mom made me get my hair cut like Dorothy Hamill for at least 2 years because it was so cute…..or it was in 1976, but in 1993 it just added to the awesomeness of my braces and pre-teen acne.

5th grade. Closest I could find. Lookin' good!

5th grade. Closest I could find. Lookin’ good!

Technically this is my 5th grade picture because I can locate neither my 6th grade school picture, nor my yearbook. The only differences you would note are a gray background and a super cool white t-shirt with big purple circles and black lines of paint. My Grama Hayden and I spent a while picking out that shirt and its matching purple stretch-stirrup pants. Stirrup pants play a role in this story. Fashion is stupid. For example, isn’t it so totally weird how that outdated fashionable haircut didn’t make me super cute? I’m wearing a real turtleneck in my fake library…In 6th grade one should be wearing deodorant. This girl didn’t get that memo. I think I was the stinky girl for a bit. This is confirmed in my memory because Andy Boone (on whom I had an incredible crush) would plug his nose and wave his hand in front of his face while looking at me. I don’t think it was any kind of mating ritual, or at least not any I have come across in the subsequent decades that followed my 6th grade year. Psychologically, this has manifested into me wearing copious amounts of deodorant on the daily. You can thank Andy Boone, but I won’t.

Now that we have established how awkward I was we will again attempt to continue with this actual story.

ugly in middle

At my middle school we had homeroom for 15 minutes at the beginning of each day. I noticed I had a slight stomachache this day, but that was pretty normal for me as I was a pretty anxious kid.

By the time I made it to first hour, the stomach cramps were beyond what I could ignore, so I asked my social studies teacher, Mrs. Stevenson, for a restroom pass. I was immediately nervous about how to take care of this restroom sesh quickly so as not to alert anyone to the fact that I was pooping if I was gone too long. I mean, I was sure none of the beautiful and popular girls in the 6th grade pooped, so I had to be quick about this!

Upon entering the stall I pulled down my black stirrup stretch pants and white Hanes Her Way underpants only to discover the next worse possible thing after diarrhea was actually happening to me. I had officially started my first period.

Everything went in slow motion while I sat there freaking the EFF out! I had NO clue what to do. I was NOT prepared for this. My face was hot. My heart was racing. This was THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN IN THE HISTORY OF EVER.
After what felt like 15-20 minutes at least (but definitely not), I made my way back to class and I just knew everyone had noticed how long I was gone.

A normal girl, who doesn’t overanalyze, would ask her teacher for a pass to the health room. Not me. Mrs. Stevenson was the mother of two really cute boys with whom I swam every summer, and for sure she would tell them how I started my period in her class AND she would probably ask me about it every time she saw me in the summer, so NO WAY was I asking her for another pass.

I waited till my 2nd period (so punny) and asked my English teacher, Mrs. Prager, if I could go to the health room. Now, believe it or not, I was a frequent flyer in health rooms during my K-12 school years. I hated school so I was “sick” a lot. Ironic when you consider my profession, I know. She asked what was wrong, and I very quietly stated, “I started my period.” With a very reassuring demeanor she asked if I had what I needed. I stated that I did not and she sent me to the health room.

periods

Again, I was a frequent flyer to the health room and the joint was already hoppin’ when I walked in, so when the nurse saw me she huffed and said rather harshly, “What is it now Lisa?”
I just looked at her thinking she would certainly know by my demeanor and lack of response that I had started my period. She looked at me harder and asked, “Well?”

I was trying so very hard to communicate by making the big-eyes and shooting my brain waves toward her so she could discern what I wanted her to know. You see, there were at least 3 other students in there, and one of them was an 8th grade boy on whom I had a mega-crush. We will call him Goldilocks since he is currently friends with some of my good friends. With Goldilocks and at least 2 bears in there, there was no way I could just use WORDS to say what was going on.I mean, what kind of nurse was she who couldn’t interpret my very clear widening of eyes and head-waggling….???
This incredibly intuitive and empathetic nurse finally said to me that if I wasn’t going to talk she couldn’t help me. As one of her “regulars” I still think she should have known that me not talking was abnormal, but she was clearly on HER period, too!

Through clenched teeth and without really moving my mouth I told her, “I started my period.”
She said she couldn’t hear me and she came close enough that I felt I could repeat it without the luscious Goldilocks overhearing.

Me: “I started my period.” (as quietly as possible)
Nurse: (She embraces me and IN THE LOUDEST VOICE POSSIBLE…and maybe even with the school-wide PA enabled) “Ohhhhhhhh! MY GOODNESS! That is wonderful! You are becoming a woman!!!”

I didn’t become a woman because I died of embarrassment right there in the New Mark Middle School nurses’ office.

Ok, obviously that is not true, but REALLY?

So, now you know why Goldilocks never married me. This nurse ruined every chance at my future with him even though now I was clearly fertile and could bear his children and just freshly into my new-found womanhood.

She sent me into the restroom (I passed so close to Goldilocks that a loose hair could have fallen on me) with “supplies.” I had NO FREAKING clue how to use any of it.

maxi
Now, school-provided feminine supplies in the 90s were not designed for modesty or comfort, no matter what the package says. I went for the maxi-pad that was at least 6 inches long and 4 inches thick. Please remember I was wearing stretch pants (with stirrups) so there was already not a lot of space happening there. Because I didn’t know how to apply this thing my memory causes me to believe I walked around looking like I had a saggy load of poo in my britches after I stuck it on my WHITE Hanes.

I left the nurses’ office ready to die from shame and I needed to find a friend. I found one and quietly told her what had happened.

There was one more class until lunch and then the worst day of my life would be half over. It couldn’t get worse so all I had to do was get through the day and get home, right?

Wrong!

The friend in whom I had confided had gone straight to the girl’s locker room to dress-out for PE and told all 50 (actually NOT an exaggeration) of those girls I had started my period.

I know this because as I entered the primary social area of the school, the cafeteria, several girls approached me and told me I started my period.

My immediate reaction was to deny this disgusting accusation!

Who? Me? No. Not me….except that the giant bulge in my stretch pants was giving me away.

awkward merit badges

I don’t remember a lot after that; probably because my subconscious kicked in and protected me so I can still show my face in public 20 years later.

I tell you this because if you are ever around a young girl making the big eyes and waggling her head at you, you will know to
1) Point her to a helpful drawer of products or to a non-weirdo helpful adult female and
2) DO NOT THROW A ONE-PERSON PARTY TO CELEBRATE HER WOMANHOOD

Thank you!

Once upon a time this awkward 32 year-old female was an awkward 12 year-old in 6th grade. I had braces and short hair. My mom made me get my hair cut like Dorothy Hamill for at least 2 years because it was so cute…..or it was in 1976, but in 1993 it just added to […]

The Epic Saga in Which the Hell-Spawn Tried to End My Life…..(aka "I Don’t Like Ticks")

Point and Laugh No Comments

natureSince I have been off work for the summer I have been enjoying walking along the main road near my home. This road is unique because I definitely live in the suburbs, but the West side of the road is all farmland; cows and all.

I LOVE it.

IMAG0556

I take lots of pictures while I walk, and to some people they probably all look the same. I can imagine what they might say, “Oh great. More pictures of grass and sky.”

Hey…sometimes there are cows.

Anyway, last Sunday I chose to walk in the evening, and went farther down a side road than I had in the past, and saw lots of beautiful scenery. At one point, I went less than a foot into some tall grass to take a close-up of a wildflower I thought was particularly perfect.

floewr
It IS beautiful, I know!!! Beauty can be deceiving…..

A few minutes later I received a text from my mom saying she and my pops were going to get some Father’s Day ice cream and asking if I wanted to come. As it turns out, I hadn’t had ice cream in a while, and had mentioned how much I wanted some when my grandma and her husband drove past me and stopped to chat about 20 minutes earlier while I was walking on that same side road.

(BTW, I firmly believe Kansas City is just a huge small town).

I continued making my way back toward the house, and as anticipated saw my parents pulling up the road. I ran over to the car, hopped in, and we made our way to Sheridan’s. Oh yeah!

As we sat in the drive-thru line contemplating what to order I was checking my Facebook updates on my phone when out of NOWHERE a tick-a TICK-came crawling over the back of my phone.

I did what any normal person would do and I screamed while simultaneously smacking a hand on my phone to trap the beast.

PAUSE

Wait, what? You contend normal people don’t scream when they just OBSERVE a tick on their phone?

Maybe I should explain that a tick is akin to a spider (*shudder*) in my mind except they want to attach themselves to me and suck all the blood out of me. (*more shuddering*)
Ok…aaaand maybe I see the little pencil-eraser sized asshole as being the same size and having the same capability as a “facehugger” from the ALIEN movies.

facehugger
Ok, does my reaction seem a little more appropriate now that you know my perception?

I thought so.

UNPAUSE

Ok, so my hand is clamped on my phone to keep the little effer from escaping and attaching itself and stealing my life…MY LIFE!

Uh…now what?? Do I try to kill it? How do you kill them? I know you can’t smash them and I don’t really have fingernails and my heart is racing so my hands are unsteady and OH MY GOD! DEATH IS IMMINENT!!!

Ok, I can do this. Lots of positive self-talk. Slowly and precisely I separate my hands so I can try to pinch the thing to death.

NOPE! It moved. It totally leapt into my lap and my pants are black and I don’t know where it went…and THERE IT IS! I smash my hand onto my thigh (ow) and continue to panic.

BTW, my parents are in the front seats the entire time I am screaming (and offering this entire inner narrative as I go) and only now, HOURS into this incident, does one of them think to chime in with anything helpful:
My dad says, “You don’t actually have to kill it. Just get it out of the car.”

I’m not sure how he was so calm, but he was dispensing some serious wisdom, which is usually best delivered in a calm manner.

Ok, so I just gotta get out of the car and fling the hell-beast away from me. No problem.

PROBLEM.

Safety first, so my seat belt is on. The thing meant to save my life is now placing me in significant mortal peril. I have to remove my hand from my thing in order to get the seat-belt completely off and get the demon-spawn a safe distance from the other living beings in the vicinity, but mostly off of me (Number one).

spider

Ticks, too!
I move as quickly as I can, but because I am not actually a ninja, I lose sight of the little buttface in the seat-belt removing debacle. Surely it took its opportunity for freedom from being mashed into my ample thigh and was now on the ground scurrying back to its evil lair…..right? Just in case, I continued stomping my feet and swiping at my body while involuntarily shuddering and shaking….all of those movements would surely have me rid of the stupid sucker.

Oh heyyyyyy people in the cars behind us in the drive-thru line….how are you? Geez Louise. I really just did that….in front of a LOT of people. Apparently we weren’t the only ones getting frozen custard for Father’s Day. I smiled sheepishly, got back in the car, and buckled my seat-belt.

I angrily said to my stupendously non-helpful parents, “I guess it’s gone. Saved your lives. You’re welcome. Happy Father’s Da………AAAahhhhhhhh!”

The sneaky little succubus was on my arm! Implantation could occur at any moment. HOLY CRAP! SOMEONE SAVE ME! Where is a portable Bat signal when you need it?

I had been sweating a lot while on my walk because it was so humid and warm (summertime in the Midwest, duh). Because of this, the incubus (just switching it up since I don’t know if it was male or female) was on its back and stuck in the dewiness of my arm, rapidly flailing all 8,000 of its legs to escape.

In this moment, I knew this poor tick wanted to be away from me as much as I wanted it out of my life. I displayed my empathy by smacking my hand on my arm to hold the asshole firmly in place so I could jump BACK out of the car and fling it safely away from me.

OMG! Are you effing kidding me? AGAIN with the seat-belt? Holy shizz. How many trials must I endure, O Lord???

Somehow…SOMEHOW I made it work and successfully undid the “safety” belt, leapt from the vehicle, and once again did some shaking and jerking not too different from the “Elaine” dance from Seinfeld, just maybe a little faster.

I watched as the vicious vermin soared through the air away from me and my loved ones.
SWEET FREEDOM!

THOU HAST DELIVERED ME, O LORD!

Oh heyyyyyy all you people still in line to get your frozen custard.

This time I gave a double thumbs-up with the “I’m ok” hand signal AND my winning smile before re-entering the vehicle.

All was well….and the custard (and a show for some) was enjoyed by all.
revealWhen I shared this incident with the KT she had two remarks:
KT: “How did your parents react to all of this?”
Me: “Well, they’ve been my parents for 32 years now, so they really had no reaction at all.”
KT: “Oh. I bet you looked super sane to all the people behind you.”
Me: “Super.”

The End…..

It was quite an ordeal, but I am certain it was a lesson from God….(where’s the sarcasm font??)

Since I have been off work for the summer I have been enjoying walking along the main road near my home. This road is unique because I definitely live in the suburbs, but the West side of the road is all farmland; cows and all. I LOVE it. I take lots of pictures while I […]

Dream a Little Dream…..

Deep Thoughts | Point and Laugh No Comments

I’ve always had really vivid dreams which has benefits and drawbacks.

Benefits:
I’ve been in a truly-loving relationship with Justin Timberlake
Daniel Radcliffe once told me he “fancied” me
I’ve flown….on my own…not in a plane
I’ve been to Africa
I’ve been a mom-many times
I’ve been a kindergarten teacher
I’ve visited with my Grama Hayden (who passed way in 2001)
I’ve been an undercover detective working as a stripper with wicked gymnastic abilities

Drawbacks:
I’ve made out with Toby Keith
I’ve been pregnant with a computer
I’ve been unable to get my baby cousins out of their car seats after careening over the old Paseo bridge
I shot my dad once
I’ve been unable to get it on with my main man Justin Timberlake because my entire family was in the room
I’ve watched my cat get run over
I take awesome vacations but I forgot that I was supposed to be at work
I go to Florida but can’t get to the ocean
I’m on a dance crew but I don’t know the dance
I’ve slapped Corrie in the face (and woke up forgetting the anger wasn’t real)
I’ve had to remarry the ex-husband
I couldn’t get my seat belt unbuckled and get out of the vehicle before the semi plowed into it
My ex-boyfriend has told me how much he misses me
I was on The Brady Bunch but couldn’t remember my lines. Greg told me it was ok because we were doing a re-run, though
I held a student while painful medicine coursed through his tiny body
I’ve drowned, many times

Follow your dreamsI do have a couple of recurring themes: Tornadoes and losing my cat.

The tornado dreams aren’t always nightmares. Tornadoes fascinate me, so many times in my dreams I can’t get my camera out in time to take a picture.
More often than not, though, I need to get to shelter and can’t, or I am surrounded by a multitude of tornadoes (tornadi??), sometimes with round saw-blades on the bottom.

My cat, Scout, is an indoor kitty, and I love her oodles and bunches. I have recurring nightmares that she gets out and I can’t get her back inside. Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of a really cool dream, like being on Safari in Africa, and out of nowhere Scout will come bounding in. WHAT?!? Why is my cat outside…in AFRICA?

BUT the worst of the worst have become affectionately referred to as “Cat-Nado” nightmares. This type of hell has many of its own variations:
There’s a tornado and my cat has gotten out.
There’s a tornado and the cat carrier is broken.
There’s a tornado and my parent’s cat carrier is broken so I have 2 cats and 1 carrier.
rhinos

Now, I have 2 psych degrees and a counseling degree, so I do a pretty good job at analyzing my own dreams when they really bother me. For example: I have concluded the reason I drown so often is because that is something that could only happen to me if I lost absolute control of myself. I’m a pretty solid swimmer. I also really like being in control of what happens to me. D

rowning represents one of my biggest fears: loss of control.

After telling Katie about part of a dream this weekend she said I have more bad dreams than anyone she knows. I have lots of stupid dreams that make me laugh, but most often I do wish my brain would give me a break from “experiencing” so much while I’m trying to rest. Katie’s theory is that I feel so many feelings so strongly in my waking life that somehow that comes through in my dreams.

I think it is a valid theory that I feel my feelings so strongly when I’m awake that of course my brain can’t tell the difference when I’m asleep. I can only remember knowing I was dreaming once in my life, and that was a terrifying dream; almost “out-of-body”-like.
Another theory I’ve come up with is this: My job can be really stressful. I can experience a really strong emotion internally (heartbreak, anger, disgust, elation, sadness) but have to keep the physical evidence of those feelings “in check.” My dreams are the place where my feelings can run wild.
I have one last theory. It’s a great desire in my life to have a person to share my daily experiences with; someone who will wrap me up in a hug after a long day and let me get those feelings out. A safe place; a home within a person, if you will. That isn’t something I have right now.

So, for now, y’all get to hear some of the wilder moments within my subconscious.

Any other theories?

I’ve always had really vivid dreams which has benefits and drawbacks. Benefits: I’ve been in a truly-loving relationship with Justin Timberlake Daniel Radcliffe once told me he “fancied” me I’ve flown….on my own…not in a plane I’ve been to Africa I’ve been a mom-many times I’ve been a kindergarten teacher I’ve visited with my Grama […]

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished…

Point and Laugh No Comments

….especially if you’re me…..which I am, like, every. single. day.
Yep.

Tonight I was invited to a reception by the LSPD where I, and several colleagues, were to receive awards for helping distribute gifts at Christmastime. I don’t think the act was award-worthy, but I love this community and love how hard the PD works to make this specific community better. All I did was say “yes” when they asked if I wanted to give gifts to kids…

Come on! Who could say “no”?!?!

A local news crew was at the event and several newspaper photographers. It was pretty neat to see the recognition the ceremony was receiving.

Anyway, there were a handful of us that showed up to receive the awards, but they read everyone’s name who participated (about 10 in total). The three of us went to the front and waited to receive our certificate and coin. While we waited, my administrator turned to me and asked why some of the others didn’t come. I didn’t know what to say so I shrugged and made my “I dunno” face…..

*SNAP*

Oh, that photographer took a picture of my shruggy-weird-faceness. Great.

*eye roll*

My other two colleagues received their certificates so I stepped toward the police chief while the officer assisting him shuffled through the stack to find mine. They are both semi-familiar with me because of my long arrest record….or because they are our Partners in Education and come every month to help me present the Character Award at our school assemblies. You can pick whichever option is better in your mind. 🙂
Because I am somewhat familiar, the officer looked at me and said “It’s Lisa, right?” I replied affirmatively as he looked at the certificate and said to the Chief I was also a graduate of the Citizen’s Police Academy. The Chief thought that was pret-ty cool so he announced it to the room full of at least a hundred citizens and 50+ cops.

The only problem was that I did not graduate from the Citizen’s Police Academy, but that totally sounds like something the OTHER Lisa on our staff-who also helped distribute gifts but was not present-would do.

As the Chief was telling everyone about my alleged awesomeness as a graduate of the CPA he was handing me my certificate and I was making my incredibly gorgeous “Oh no, that’s the other Lisa and not me” face.

*Snap*romcom
Great. Another picture. Thanks.

The lessons here are as follows:
1) Sure, take the easy award and you will be placed in awkward situations
2) Don’t try to cover for your coworkers by giving a non-answer
3) Don’t be honest about your absolute lack of athleticism
4) Nod and SMILE, for crying out loud, because that makes for a better picture!!!

….especially if you’re me…..which I am, like, every. single. day. Yep. Tonight I was invited to a reception by the LSPD where I, and several colleagues, were to receive awards for helping distribute gifts at Christmastime. I don’t think the act was award-worthy, but I love this community and love how hard the PD works […]

Deer-ni-corn Killers and Testicle-Sharers Need Not Apply

Online Dating | Point and Laugh 1 Comment

grammarI’m sad to say my excitement over receiving a message on a dating site has dwindled from heart-fluttering hope for a romantic and loving relationship to groan-inducing curiosity.

Is using proper grammar and punctuation really so difficult?

Here’s what I “read” this morning (I use that verb loosely):

first thing i think it past my bed time. Wanted to say hey hi wants going on in your world. my day was great i hit a deer first thing this morining going to work i live in the country lol and deer like to get in the way at times. I dont have a pic i took it off trying to get something better up. my friends told me that it look stupid lol first one i posted was at a friends house with his star trek poster ps i am not a star trek fan lol. well any way i am a average guy looking for the special someone that is willing to take things slow. my friends put me up to get on this site. i dont get on here but like once a week look at me i am rammbling on or however u spell it lol.
it sounds like your a very interesting intellegant women.
maybe we can txt .
mmm choice is yours lol bye

Right. I hope you made it through that without a cerebral hemorrhage.

Now you’re gonna read it with my inner narrative. You’re Welcome.

first thing i think it past my bed time.So this should be a gem.
Wanted to say hey Go for it! hi hi wants going on in your world.How does he know? I do have “wants” in my world. I want a Sausage McMuffin. I want to go back to sleep. I want a preheated car. I want…wait a second. I don’t think that’s really what he meant.   my day was great Why am I still reading this? i hit a deer first thing this morining WTF? Why did that make for a “great” day? He probably told this to the wrong girl. I’ve been known to liken deer to unicorn. Yes. I think they’re magical. going to work i live in the country lol Which part of this is “laugh out loud” funny? The deer-ni-corn death or that you think I didn’t already know you lived in the country? and deer like to get in the way at times. Pesky deer. Always gallavanting across roads. They should have a designated place to cross the road that’s not in the way.  I dont have a pic But how will I know if you’re cute enough for me to send a reply? i took it off trying to get something better up. That’s what she said.  my friends told me that it look stupid They sound like good people. You should let them proofread your messages. lol first one i posted was at a friends house with his star trek poster Really? Which one? The original series, TNG, DS9, Voyager, or maybe the new movies? ps i am not a star trek fan lol. Well, crap. That appeared to be the one thing about which we might be able to converse.  well any way i am a average guy Oh sweetie. looking for the special someone that is willing to take things slow. I can’t even type what I’m thinking here.  my friends put me up to get on this site. Now I think maybe they’re cruel.  i dont get on here but like once a week look at me i am rammbling on or however u spell it lol. Wait, now you question how to spell something?
it sounds like your a very interesting intellegant women.   I can’t disagree. 2 points for excellent perception.
That brings your score up to -46.
maybe we can txt . Maybe we can use vowels, too?
mmm BOP! LOL for me!!! Oh, or are you eating something tasty? Is it a Sausage McMuffin? choice is yours lol bye My brain is bleeding.

I know I sound like a horrid b*tch. I’ll own that this one time. You try online dating for over 3 years and let me know if you don’t wind up jaded and cynical about finding your “happy ever after.”
This tone isn’t just the result of terribly crafted messages (albeit thoughtful), but also from all the curveballs (that was an unintentional pun, but it works…you’ll see), like this one from a seemingly highly suitable candidate:

The Most Private Thing I’m Willing to Admit
I “Manscape” weekly. OK that’s true and probably not abnormal these days. But I will admit that I’ve had a recurring cyst in my man region, left testicle that’s had 3 surgeries. In all likelihood, I will have the left testicle removed completely removed. Because of this, it causes weird testosterone fluctuations in my system and could impact my ability to have kids, though my doc says I should be fine with just one. If having kids is a BIG want in your life, I can’t say that I can accommodate in the future, and am not sure if I want kids anyway, meaning I would be ok having them if I was with someone who wanted them, but ok without having them either. It’s not a deal breaker to me one way or another.

nutsCall me old fashioned, but I think “manscaping” and possible testicular removal and talk of testosterone could wait till, at least, date 4 or 5. Perhaps he’s just trying to weed some ladies out-like all the 2-testicle preferring gals. Does he know he may have thrown himself into the fetish crowd?
Should I warn him?

I’ve been known to assert that our fine city has an epidemic of single ladies. I think the examples provided may be part of the cause.

Happy Hunting to us all.
Lisa

I’m sad to say my excitement over receiving a message on a dating site has dwindled from heart-fluttering hope for a romantic and loving relationship to groan-inducing curiosity. Is using proper grammar and punctuation really so difficult? Here’s what I “read” this morning (I use that verb loosely): first thing i think it past my […]

You Mean…That Wasn’t the Bottom?

Online Dating | Point and Laugh No Comments

Oh the monotony of being a divorced basement-dweller….
Welcome to my thoughts during the 5 o’clock hour of this lovely Saturday evening.
Enjoy!

Do I want to make dinner plans?

If yes, I gotta put my bra back on and get presentable. Ugh. But I have all this nothing to do down here on this couch and I just bought these two video games and I don’t wanna go outOUT but I wouldn’t mind seeing and being seen for a bit….OK…I’ll go out for dinner.

Wait…I forgot…my friends are married with kids and husbands and can’t just go out with me for pizza. The other single friends already have plans….jerks. (Not really. Kisses!)

Ok. Video Games, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Pinot Grigio for this gal!

What’s this? “Someone Chose You” says the dating site notification.

Yessssssssssss! Now for some excitement!!!!

Log in and check my visitors to see who “chose” me. I’m very choose-able! Look at those eyes! Look at my smile….dang it! So cute. I bet no one notices how giant my nose looks in that picture…

Oh! Well, hello there, sir. You seem handso….wait a second!

Flashback….10 years ago….21 years old. Running around with different groups of 21 year-old friends going to dance clubs in Westport…..

I remember you….and I remember that we called you “Druggie Joe*.”

Well, I am a 30-something year-old basement-dweller, so I guess 10 years can take people lots of places. Maybe things have changed…

Text to friend: Does that Joe* guy still do drugs? Maybe Joe Smith*?
The reply indicates there is talk of sobriety. I shall continue to check out his profile.
It seems ok. Capital letters, punctuation, well-formed thoughts….
Pictures? Hmm…still cute. Why isn’t he tooth-smiling in any of these pics? Did they rot out because of the drugs? That’s risky. Kissing could be pretty slobbery and…gummy.
Probably better just stay away from that….

Let’s look at another match:
Ohhh…handsome…proper age…well-written….WAIT
What?
“Able bodied need not apply…looking to date a disabled lady, preferably a wheelchair user..”
He’s not in a wheelchair. He even states he is able-bodied.

So much for having a leg-up on my competition…
Yes…I just said that.

Ok, so I’m gonna go back to my cereal, wine, and Resident Evil 6 now….

Sheesh.

How’s YOUR Saturday night?

*Some names have been changed to protect…stuff

Oh the monotony of being a divorced basement-dweller…. Welcome to my thoughts during the 5 o’clock hour of this lovely Saturday evening. Enjoy! Do I want to make dinner plans? If yes, I gotta put my bra back on and get presentable. Ugh. But I have all this nothing to do down here on this […]

The Dangler of Unspecified Origin: A True Tale of Actual Dating

Online Dating | Point and Laugh No Comments

Soooooo…
I met a guy for coffee this evening. 🙂
It went well. You get no more than that.

I thought I would share with you some of the weird thoughts that passed through my brain during this first meeting.

At some point, while sitting across from this incredibly handsome, outgoing, funny, clever man with Peyton Hillis-like arms something terrible happened. It happens in lots of situations, but for me, it couldn’t have been worse timing.

Here it is: I felt what I was sure was the teensiest fleck of dried snot (aka a booger) or dried skin tickling my nostril.

I know! I know! You’re thinking that it’s no big deal and I wanted to think that too, BUT I did a teensy little nose swipe to get rid of it and that only made it WORSE! Did I knock more booger particulates or dry skin loose? I don’t know, but suddenly it felt like a medium-sized moth was perching upside down from my left nostril.

All I could imagine was how this dangler of unspecified origin was flapping IN AND OUT with each breath I took so I HAD to take another little swipe.

Ok, I think I got it that time…

CrrrrrrrrrrrRAP!!!!!

He just swiped at his nose.

Have I accidentally subconsciously cued him into believing HE has a dangler?!?! Son of a motherless goat! What IF he is trying to tell ME that I DIDN’T get it and it is dangling even more precariously and flapping even more violently than before?!?!

This is AWFUL! Now I am sweating even more than I already was and I’m certain I’ve pitted out on my right side as I tend to do when I’m nervous or, well, alive…and oh God oh God oh God!

We continued this delicate nose-swipe dance through most of our 3 hours together; the paranoid diatribe rattling through my brain the whole time. Awesome.

Eventually I realized our venue was going to close and I needed to use the restroom which was conveniently located just over my left shoulder.
I already had to chuckle that I would be peeing mere feet from where this handsome gent and I were sharing a table, but as I shut the door to the dreaded “one-holer” it wouldn’t lock. I tried again, thinking I had absentmindedly tried to lock it before the door shut, causing it to unlock again.

No.

It.
Wouldn’t.
Lock.
I messed with it for a few more seconds, but he was sitting so closely I just knew he could see the door handle jiggling and hear my repeated pressing of the lock.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

If I wasn’t careful I’d stress myself out enough that I actually had to crap, so I just needed to focus.

All I could imagine was me sitting, pants around my UNSHAVED calves, and some chick opening the door while I was midstream where the only option would be for me to make eye-contact with the guy sitting just outside the door.

Why me?!?! FML!!!

The door wasn’t even close enough for me to keep a hand on it in case it opened.

Efffff baaaaalllllsssss!

The only thing to do was pee as quickly as possible, so I took a deep breath and did my business. I only freaked out for one short moment, but got myself back on track.
I did what I think ANYONE would upon completing my mission and leapt from the toilet to a safe place across the bathroom.

I was safe.

After washing my hands I grabbed the non-locking door handle only to hear and feel the “snap” of it unlocking…

So it WAS locked…

Well, good…

booger

It was a nice evening that we plan to duplicate…with some modifications.Our time together was over not long after that.

I will attend to all nasal danglers before our next meeting.

Thank you and good night!

Lisa

Soooooo… I met a guy for coffee this evening. 🙂 It went well. You get no more than that. I thought I would share with you some of the weird thoughts that passed through my brain during this first meeting. At some point, while sitting across from this incredibly handsome, outgoing, funny, clever man with Peyton […]