A Couple Dents in my Fender…

Deep Thoughts No Comments

barbieI’m a very lucky girl because my subconscious is a very rich place. I get to have wonderful dreams AND I tend to remember them.

On the flip side, I have pretty intense nightmares, too.

But, for today, we’re gonna stay on the “dream” side of things.

I’ve written about my ridiculous dreams before (married to Justin Timberlake, for example). They can be quite lovely.

Last night I had 2 dreams I can remember. In the second dream I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with some friends and my brother. A pretty nice dream.

It’s the first one that’s bugging me; especially when I combine it with one from last week.

Last week I dreamt I saw my reflection in the mirror and it caught me off guard because I was not my current weight, but slender, and I had a thigh gap. My subconscious self was so elated that this dream became about my shock that I had a thigh gap.

I don’t think I’ve had a thigh gap….in.my.life….teach-body-hate

Like Ever.

In fact, I distinctly recall being called “thunder thighs” as a child, so I’m just gonna go with a “nope” on the thigh gap

That was last week, so let’s dig into last night’s first dream.

I was in a huge and lovely home. It wasn’t mine, but I remember feeling like it was familiar and I was comfortable in it. I walked down a set of stairs and heard my brother talking to someone. I couldn’t tell who it was, but it was someone with whom my brother was comfortable because they were joking around together.

Eventually I realized it was a guy…I realized this because he greeted me and said he had to change clothes. The part of me that was an audience to this dream still didn’t know who it was, and my brother made the comment of “Is that always how you greet your fiance?”

Oh, so I had a fiance! This is a good dream, then, right?!

He came out of the room after changing his outfit, and I can tell you this is not the type of man to whom I would be attracted in real life. He was wearing plaid shorts and a polo shirt (that was maybe a soccer club shirt). He was Italian and very muscular. (My ladies who were at the Royals V Tigers game with me a week or so ago will know who my subconscious used as a model). Although his physique was attractive, his personality was obnoxious.

I’m taking all this in: me in a nice house, my physically attractive fiance, my brother approving of the guy, when the part of me that’s in the peanut gallery watching this movie chimes in, “There’s no way a guy that hot is your fiance.”

souls-not-bodiesWhat the heck?!?! My subconscious is a straight up bitch, guys.

Who says that to someone?

But wait, isn’t my subconscious the product of my thoughts and experiences?

Then I think I have a real problem here.

And I think many people, not just girls, suffer from this same kind of thing.

We gain our value from our appearance.

We constantly evaluate our self, and others, on our shell.

AND WE KNOW BETTER…at least I do.

You guys know me. I am the encouraging one. I am the one who tells people to love themselves and I work with kids…

And I am so so so careful not to body shame myself in front of kids or body shame anyone when small humans can hear.

Maybe I can save them from having this voice in their head when they’re older.

Maybe it’s not too late for me.


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