Dating Spawns New Mathematical Formula: 1 Stood Up Female = 4 Cupcakes

Online Dating | Point and Laugh No Comments

Several weeks ago I received a message from a guy on OkCupid! It was a thoughtful message, well-written, and asked good follow-up questions. I checked out his profile and everything seemed great enough to silence the pink flags popping up as I read through it.
(I say “pink” because they weren’t quite “red” flags).

Pink Flags:
4 years younger (so you woulda been a freshman when I was a senior…creepy, but more acceptable at this age)
Tall and Fit (hopefully your vision isn’t impaired and you can see that I’m neither tall nor fit)

Tall and Fit (Ironic, right?)
4 years younger (oh yeah…I’m hot stuff)
Perfect grammar and spelling
Well-dressed (almost a little TOO professional, but I’ve been accused of being too dressy at times)
Pictures with family (nieces and nephews)
Pictures with friends
NO selfies
Expressed a desire for a serious relationship
Claimed a religion and listed “God” as something important to him

Mostly because I ate 4 cupcakes...

Mostly because I ate 4 cupcakes…

Based on all those details I decided to write this fella back. I did, and we exchanged several long messages where each time my sense of humor was noted and he asked more questions. Because I am aware that I suck at asking questions, but am super awesome at talking about myself (in case you hadn’t noticed), so I tried to make sure I was being thoughtful and complimentary as well.

After several days he sent his phone number and I texted the next day. At one point he asked for a picture “for his iPhone contacts,” which I always feel is semi-weird since I have 9 on my profile, but was assured by a friend that it seemed innocent enough, so I sent one that was already on my profile (because I’m a brat). We spent several days (maybe even over a week) texting and such and the time had come to meet, like for real real….

He asked my plans for this weekend. I replied “Kickball Friday. Church and football Sunday).” Clearly this indicated I was free for Saturday, but he never took the leap….

Saturday morning I slept in a little (so maybe 8:30) and after a while he sent a text asking how I slept. I didn’t respond for a bit because I continued dozing off, and knew I would be unable to relax if we set a date, and I still wanted to sleep a little.

My stomach was already starting its nervous routine whenever I meet someone for the first time. It sucks.

Eventually he sent another text asking what I was doing. We chatted back and fort a bit and he asked what I was doing tonight. I replied I had plans with Katie at some point, but wasn’t sure what time yet. Again, he said nothing, so I am thinking maybe he is just nervous to put it out there, so I ask if he likes coffee.

I’m assuming this will be the day we meet, so I begin painting my nails…all 20 of them, including an accent nail on each hand. My fingernails looked damn good with the light gray paint (and 2 with a sparkle effect). It was the best job I’d ever done on them, so I was pretty sure that was a good sign (my toes are a different story…why do we even have toenails if they’re going to be so minute???).

My stomach had let me know 3 times by now that I was definitely nervous even though my hands weren’t shaking while nail-painting, so I took some meds. This is a big deal because I am blessed (read “cursed”) with very sensitive guts, so any medicine endures for days, and winds up making me just as miserable, but with the opposite effect. Now you know, you’re welcome.

(Please imagine me speaking the next parts to you in a rapid-fire manner so you can understand it better)

He replied that he loved coffee, so I suggested we meet for coffee somewhere today.

At 12:35 he said that sounded great and asked what time I was thinking??? I said “I have to meet my mom at 4, so maybe 2:30??”

He said that would work and asked “where?”

I asked if he wanted to try for some place in between both of us since we live about 40 miles apart. (Now, this isn’t fair, but in the back of my mind I kinda think the guy should come to the girl first. That precedent was set by the last several guys offering and me trying to be overly accommodating, but at least they offered).

I tried looking up some places and couldn’t really find any, so I suggested a place just north of downtown.

No reply.

I proceeded to get ready. I hate shaving, but seeing as it’s 99,000 degrees outside right now I knew I wouldn’t want to wear jeans. In fact, a friend recently gave me a bunch of dresses I look really cute wearing, so I was even contemplating donning one of those…because what boy doesn’t like a gal in a dress??

Because I was nervous (and generally suck at life) I cut myself shaving at least twice and had a nice blood-trail coming from both knees. Ow.

Once I got out of the shower it was about 1:40, so I checked my phone, still no reply. If you call or text me ever, you know that sometimes my phone hates me. Katie can provide testimony for this should you doubt it.
Because of that fact, I texted him again asking, “So 2:30 works?”
No reply.

I continued to get ready, changing outfits multiple times and sweating like a fiend even though I had applied 2 different types of douchetarddeodorant in at least 4 alternating layers (detail only slightly exaggerated). I settled for the newer tighter capris, sexy underpants (because even though no one is gonna see them just you knowing you have them on boosts your confidence, and you’re a liar if you say otherwise), with my Wonder Woman t-shirt. Yep. I was adorbs. In fact, I still am as I typing this in the same outfit.

At 2:15 I left, still not having received a reply, and ignoring what my intuition was already telling me.

While en route, at 2:22 I received a text from him saying “Sorry. My phone died.”

My “BS” alarm was as loud as the tornado sirens on the first Wednesday of the month and just as familiar.

Now, there was still a chance he had acted with integrity and actually left his home knowing he would have to be somewhere at 2:30, but I decided I better ask, since there were many other plans for this day that were hinging on this one activity.
“So I’m guessing 2:30 won’t work…”

“I’m sorry, no I’m still at home 🙁 maybe later we could grab drinks?”

*super ginormous eye roll*
“Bummer. I can’t. Already have plans with Katie.”

“Do you? Well alrighty then LOL”

I sent nothing in response to that, but here is what I thought:
No, not LOL…I have no idea what’s funny. Is it that you think I’m stupid enough to think your phone died, or are you laughing in relief that you just got out of having to meet me?? Because rest assured, you will NOT be meeting me. And why are you surprised that I have plans with Katie? I already told you that earlier.

“But Lisa, what if his phone really did die?” you might be asking.
Put yourself in the situation: Your phone dies, for nearly two hours, just after you’ve planned a date with the girl with whom YOU initiated contact and continued to initiate contact several times. You do nothing?
Hmmm…no. You bust your ass to get your phone charged or to use another method of getting in contact with her (like the original dating site on which you found her). OR, knowing that you had agreed upon 2:30, perhaps you should have been prepared to leave your house before 2:22…

“Well, why don’t you just cancel your plans or take Katie with you and meet the guy??” you might also be asking.
1)That’s just stupid and you should stop asking that, but I’ll answer anyway.
2)) I don’t cancel plans with friends for a guy I’ve never met. Even if we had met, I don’t cancel plans with friends for a guy. I’d make it work somehow.
3) If that wasn’t good enough go back to #1 and we’ll just leave it at that. :p

Now, dear friend, this is not your fault, but I ignored some of my intuition with this guy because people have told me I am “too picky” or that I have weird reasons for not talking to guys or going out with them. I realize I open myself up for that feedback by putting myself out there in so many ways, but please know this guy, although seemingly initially harmless, was a guy I realized I could get over some of my own insecurities about (too young, fit, etc) and go ahead and meet.

When I decide to actually meet someone it is a BIG deal. It takes a lot to overcome that anxiety and risk the possible trampling of the hopes that you should know better than to get up and actually try to keep in check.

There was literally blood loss involved with this situation.


Clockwise from top left: Raspberry Lemonade, German Chocolate, Twisted, Carrot Cake

Anyway, I proceeded ahead to this bakery and retrieved 4 cupcakes to share with my parents and Katie this evening.
So, I put on make up on a hot-ass day for no reason, shaved and cut myself for no reason, painted all 20 nails with 2 accent nails (ok that will look good for a few days), and wasted a cute outfit….

Shout out to Sugar Mamma’s Bakery in Briarcliff Village for taking the sting out of being stood up.

So, tonight I will be at home, watching movies and making popcorn with Katie, while we eat cupcakes….

Oh, and I won’t be pooping for days because I was so nervous about this potential date I had to take meds.
If I was vindictive I would bag up that eventual poo and send it to him, but because that is gross I just settle for writing this post. 🙂

***We can all laugh when I wind up marrying the guy (who has since sent another text of his favorite college team’s mascot…3 hours later)***

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