Fix My Eyes

Deep Thoughts | Getting Personal (aka a little TMI) No Comments

I woke up this morning immediately thinking about an unresolved issue in my life. I don’t know if I can call it a “conflict” because attempts at reconciliation have been made, but not accepted.

Not having the power to make the resolution happen is truly challenging me. Waiting on someone else to decide if I am worthy of having in his dont forgetor her life is causing me a lot of distress.

Now listen, I love you guys, and you are going to want to jump in here and tell me all kinds of empowering things like “You’re Awesome!” and “Anyone who doesn’t want you around or doesn’t value you doesn’t deserve to have you.”

I get where you’re coming from (because I am totes awesome), but that just isn’t the truth in this case.

I’m a counselor. I work with kids. I am all about loving yourself and personal empowerment, but sometimes we have conflicts in our lives with people we love very much. In my life, if I have a conflict that is truly bothering me then it is always with someone whom I love and care for deeply.

I cannot deny that unresolved issues with those I love makes me physically ill and disrupts most areas of my life (spiritually, professionally, personally, etc).

This is what I am experiencing right now.

Yes, it sucks.

Yes, it is risky to write about it in a public forum.

The difference here is I am not really telling you any details. I am not trying to air any dirty laundry.

In the two years I’ve been writing this blog I have had so many wonderful people tell me that something I wrote made them laugh, made them think, or helped them in some way.

That’s why I’m writing this today. I am attempting to get my thinking straight so I can maintain my focus, and perhaps it will help someone else.

eternal struggleI said I’m a fan of empowerment, but as a counselor I am also about personal accountability, so what I think I can share without offending the other party in this matter is that I am aware that I caused hurt feelings on at least 3 separate occasions.

My experience with conflict in any relationship is that no matter our legitimate justifications and rational reasons for something happening (choices we make) it doesn’t counterbalance that someone’s feelings were hurt. This is always true.

As I am known to say “Logic and Emotion do not go hand in hand.”

So, even though we can understand why something happened it doesn’t take the hurt out of it. It might make it hurt less and it might make it less personal, but it almost never takes 100% of the pain away.

Anyway, as I said, I woke up this morning thinking about the person who is upset with me and wanting to cry (I successfully didn’t cry this time, but that’s not always the case). I feel so frustrated because I don’t know what else to do.

Here are some things upon which I reflected this morning:

I have spent a lot of time wondering, being angry, being hurt, being jealous, feeling petty, imagining passive-aggressive facebook posts (yes, really), losing sleep, getting sick, questioning, doubting, seething, hurting, inventing conversations that have never happened, assuming a long list of other people hate me too, and generally being very negative and mean to myself.

In fact, last week those thoughts really boiled over and reached a breaking point. One day last week, after feeling the hurt so strongly from this familial conflict, I walked around work really absorbing some non-verbal communication. While trying to talk to some of the staff at my school, I decided their body language was letting me know that they did not give even one single sh*t about what I had to say. I really nice selfinternalized all of it and was saying some very harsh things to myself (which is really not typical for me).

Here is the incident and the specific thought that caught my attention:
I changed my profile picture on facebook and someone gave me an incredible compliment. I always suck at accepting those, but I caught myself saying: “Yeah. Right. So pretty I can’t even keep a boyfriend.” And friends, the tone with which I said it in my head was so hateful and filled with such loathing. It made me take a step back and ask “Where is THAT coming from?”

That thought wasn’t even related to the things bothering me, but it was a thought that was incredibly hurtful.

*** WARNING: Now, I’m gonna go someplace that used to seem crazy to me, and I’ll be honest, if you aren’t a spiritual person then this thought may be “far out” to you. Three years ago I would have looked at someone like they should be institutionalized if this had been said to me, so I get it. WARNING ***

So I had this thought about my inability to “keep” a boyfriend (all while convincing myself that everyone thought I was stupid and didn’t matter). It was then that I knew the sudden onset of these insecure thoughts was not coincidental.

I realized, in that moment, that if good exists then so does evil.

Every time I make a bold statement in favor of God and glorifying Him I am immediately hit with interpersonal conflict (sometimes even of my own doing). Just before this all started to really bother me I stepped forward at church and confidently joined the team of people who will be planting new churches in the KC Metro area. I have no doubts in my heart about this. I am ready. I am willing. Let’s do it.

And so the enemy began to use the areas of my life in which I tend to feel the most insecure to bring me down and make me doubt: My relationships (or lack thereof).

While I have been struggling with these relationships I have spent less time growing in my relationship with Christ; less time talking to Him, thinking about Him, learning about Him, seeking Him.

So back to this morning and my frame of mind…

Here were some of the questions I asked myself while I got ready (this gal does a lot of thinking before she even walks out the door for the day):

graceCan I acknowledge that there is nothing more I can do to gain this person’s good graces again? Ugh, yes. I really hate that I have no control over that, but truly, I can do no more. It is no longer up to me. That is hard. I want the control. I hate the uncertainty of the unknown.

If I believe my God is powerful and that He fights for me, Can I be weak enough (and also at the same time strong enough) to give this battle up to Him? Yes. That answer was the easiest, and it was still a struggle.

The next question was this: If I can’t resolve this on my own timeframe, can I give it to God and trust that He will see it through? Ok, I can do that. I don’t like it, but I can do it because I trust God and I know He can restore.

Ooooh…that was it. That was actually the crux of this whole process. Do I believe that God has the power to restore this relationship even if the other person isn’t willing?

What if the other person doesn’t realize that their resistance to talk to me, to forgive me, to reach out to me is because they’re being used as an instrument of the enemy even if their hurt is legitimate? (Yep. More of that crazy talk, I know).

And that’s where I am folks: Logically, I do believe God can restore things, but do I feel the truth in my heart yet? I don’t think I do yet, because I am afraid, but I want to feel it. I want to trust.

So I’m praying for it, and I’m seeking, and I’m talking, and I have questions so I still want to learn… (like where did the serpent come from if it was already in the garden at the beginning of time according to Genesis???)

And ultimately, I want to love.

So instead of focusing on the conflict and all its details I’m gonna fix my eyes on the one who will see me through it.

Thanks for reading (even if you thought it was wacky).


may god bless

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