Perhaps a Proctologist Could Help?

Deep Thoughts | Getting Personal (aka a little TMI) 5 Comments

Friends. I’m struggling inside. I’m mostly happy, but I can’t seem to let go of some bitterness and anger, and it’sdont fake beginning to overpower the general “happy” I work with daily.

This morning, on my way to work, I was trying to figure out how to get past these things that I’m letting upset me and something on the radio sparked a thought:
If I’m struggling to feel the peace of Jesus in my heart, then it means I’m relying on something else to make me happy, so what am I letting get in the way?
The answer was easy after a few seconds: my relationships.
I rely on relationships with people in my life to make me happy.

This isn’t all bad because I really like people and I love making them feel loved, but I’ve failed at this lately because I have felt so disappointed with most of my relationships lately. I don’t even have the will to reach out anymore.

When one person lets me down I am bummed, but when it feels like a repeating cycle of friends cancelling plans, or not inviting me to things, then even tiny things like not answering a text or a phone call becomes the biggest insult ever. And even the legitimate reasons for cancelling become “just another excuse” to me.

I’m at the point where I’m isolating myself from my friends because of the hurt I perceive. I’m on the verge of shutting down to most people in my personal life.

I know no one is doing these things intentionally to hurt me, but it certainly feels like I’m not being considered at all.

And it’s not just isolated to one group of friends; It feels like it’s everyone. That’s not realistic, but when it happens so much it feels like everyone.

20 years ago the easy answer would have been “Find new friends.” That’s not an option here; and not because I’m not friendly or capable of making new friends. No; these people who I feel so hurt by are truly my friends who love me and have invested in me. These people mean so much to me, and I know that is part of why I am hurt so much.

give and receive loveOpening your heart up to people and relationships means opening yourself up to the chance of being hurt. What I’m failing to absorb are the wonderful chances I have to feel loved.

I can love people rather easily, but allowing myself to feel loved is so much more challenging-Nearly impossible, in fact.

So how do I let it go?
Pray more? Read the Bible (admittedly, I struggle with the Bible, in general)? Quit everything?
I’d love 5 practical steps to get on over this, but I don’t really think that’s gonna happen.

Have you gone through something like this before? If so, do you have any words of wisdom or other advice for healing?

Realistically, I know I need to pray, and I am and will continue, but that makes me feel like I am asking God to solve my problem instead of working on it myself.

In 4 days I celebrate 4 years of knowing Jesus as my savior. As you can see, that doesn’t make everything hunky-dory, but I have no doubts about that decision.

This is just part of my journey for now.

Thanks for reading.

Would you pray for me or send positive vibes my way?


fix my attitude

  1. Sara Spiegelhalter - October 19, 2015

    I don’t have much that you don’t already know but here it goes.
    1.  Keep praying for yourself and I will pray with you
    2. Only God knows his plan for you.  You can’t always figure it out yourself…but you already know this.
    3.  Remember there have been times in your life that you have pulled away for a bit and then came back.  Your friends and fam will be back, don’t give up.  
    4. Keep writing because you are amazing at it.
    5.  Pray for your friends and family and I will pray with you.

  2. Mindi Young - October 19, 2015

    Pete and I hit a rough patch about a-year-and-a-half into our marriage. There’s a lot that I had to learn to let go. They make it sound so simple, don’t they? Just let it go. Like it’s easy. They don’t explain how! I’m sure it’s different for everybody, but here’s what helped me:

    1. Prayers. Lots of them.
    2. Deep breaths. I have a tendency to let my brain spiral. Deep breaths helped me calm down and be logical.
    3. Actually saying to myself that I was letting it go.
    4. Doing fun things with him. Endorphins are wonderful!
    5. Talking to trusted loved ones and journaling.

    I’ll pray, too. You are an awesome person and you are loved (I know, because I love you)!

  3. Kim Schloman - October 20, 2015

    I hope I haven’t made you feel this way! I have been struggling with this lately myself, and would not do so intentionally! I will be sending lots of prayers to you! (and of course hugs when I see you) 🙂

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