Reputation

Deep Thoughts | Getting Personal (aka a little TMI) No Comments

I gotta be honest, friends: I’ve been on a weird ride since the end of May. I’m guessing on the outside the only thing that was really noticeable  to anyone would have been in my social media posts. I’d post about conflict or strong negative feelings I was having more than I had in the past. Unfortunately, there were times I “vaguebooked” in a way that was unbecoming as it related to my profession.

The result of this painful journey is that I held a lot of pain in. I know that doesn’t seem believable if you know me and have access to all my posts. Not everyone does have that access. I’m having to learn as a 36 year-old that although I am friendly with everyone, that does not mean everyone is my friend. Please don’t take that to mean I label anyone an enemy; I don’t. The truth is, I’ve had to realize that one of the things I have loved most about myself can also be misinterpreted by people who don’t know me.

Sometimes my authenticity can throw people off. The sassy part of me wants to say “That ain’t my fault. It’s their problem.” In some sense, that is true, but I also have control over what I put out there, and not everyone deserves the level of access I was allowing.

That was a tough lesson.

I took it really hard.

Seriously. I look back, especially on the last couple of months, and I am not sure where I went. All the superficial typical stuff was still there (social media posts, outings with friends, church, daily activities), but I haven’t truly connected on a relational level with anyone in months. I was faking it.

I have been lost and wandering; grasping for attention in unhealthy ways. Breaking through doors I had closed and bolted only to find the demons were waiting with open arms offering me attention, affection, and affirmation.

I’m the girl who will analyze the “why” of all that for a while. I’ll write about it. I’ll share some of it. Most of all, I truly hope I learn and grow from it.

Having (possibly over-) shared all that, I want to get to the ACTUAL point of why I’m putting this out there at all.

You see, I was starting to believe I was unwanted and didn’t belong any of the places I called home (friend’s homes, church, in the company of friends and family). My identity was beginning to shift from knowing who I was and whose I was to believing I was what I felt: Alone, Lost, and Unwanted–Cast Out.

I was allowing myself to be hurt emotionally; in fact, I’d go as far as to say I was causing it. Because I knew what I was doing, and that I was willing to do it if it meant I didn’t have to feel all of what I was trying NOT to feel related to my work and personal life, I began to think there was no turning back. I was going to get locked in that dark and scary room.

In a typical Lisa-move, all of my bottled-up emotions exploded out of me recently to two people. Those two people showed me love, offered grace, and also spoke a whole lot of truth to me.

With their help, I backed myself out of the room I was lost in. I’m on my way back—to me.

Tonight I met with a group of people who don’t know me very well. They knew my name and basic facts about me, and through the topic of the conversation they learned a bit more about me. The craziest thing happened–the exact thing I needed to be reminded of was spoken to me.

I shared a piece of my heart and in response was told I was “authentic.” Seeing as that’s the quality I’ve been running from the last couple of months, to have it show back up less than 24 hours after I “re-emerged,” well, for me, I know it was God. He heard me. He’d never left me. He was in that room with me.

I have some more unpacking and understanding to do with that.

But, if you’re reading this, and maybe you’re a person who’s been feeling lost, alone, and unwanted–like you have nowhere to belong but in a hell-filled prison…….

Please know, you are loved.

And if you can’t or won’t believe in a creator or higher being because it’s too far out for you, then I hope knowing that I love you and you matter to me can be enough for this moment.

If you need me–reach out. Message me. Comment.

I’m with you. Take my hand.

I’ll help you out of that dark and scary cell.

You’re worth it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *