“A Series of Unfortunate Events” aka Just a Typical Story of 4 Days of My Life

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Many times in my life I have stated that I am God’s practical joke.  I don’t mean this to convey that I think God is cruel or that He amazingnessmakes bad things happen to me on purpose purely for His amusement. I mean that sometimes weird/annoying/inconveniently humorous things happen in my life and they seem to make others laugh (and I can totally handle them).

They make me laugh, too.

On their own they’re not always funny, but, as with this week’s experiences, once you get to 4 in a row, if you’re not laughing about it all, then you need a new perspective. Thankfully, I’m laughing, but I also tend to welcome a new perspective (so smoke’em if you got’em).

Wednesday was the first day staff in my district had to report after summer break. As usual, I hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep the night before (moving bedtime from 1am to 10:30pm takes some time), so after the end of a great day I was ready to rest.

I went to the Chiropractor as we are trying to nurse my intercostal strain/neuralgia back to the point that I can exercise without wanting to die.  After leaving the chiropractor I decided to take the back roads home and avoid the highway. I was talking to a friend with whom I used to work and telling her how well the day had gone when I heard a loud “ping.” Didn’t think much about it since I’d just gone through a Google Fiber installation zone, but about a mile down the road I realized my tire was making noise. I pulled over to look at it and could hear the loud hissing even without opening the door. All I could see was a gold spot in the tire about the size of a pencil eraser.

I called my dad, because in 33 years of life this was my first flat tire. I knew I could change it on my own (and YES, I would’ve had to Google it to be sure I was doing it right….the irony of Googling how to change a flat tire after acquiring the flat tire driving through a Google Fiber utility area should not be lost on anyone here) BUT what I didn’t know was if I should drive home or drive straight to an auto store. Thankfully he was close by and pulled in behind me within a few minutes.

Oh, and I am not kidding, but the light at 64th and N. Prospect skipped my line of cars 3 times while I sat there needing to pull over. For real.

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One of those things impaled my tire.

Anyway, dad pulled in behind me and called saying I definitely needed to pull over. We stopped at Pleasant Valley Park (under a shade tree as directed) and began to change my tire. It’s hard to change your tire when the lug wrench the owner’s manual is depicting in its drawing of your trunk is not included. Dad’s lug wrench didn’t fit, so he drove home to get tools. I was tired and hungry, but it had been a really great day, and this was truly a minor problem in the world when you consider, well, all the problems in the world.

After pulling out the 5 inch drill bit we got the tire fixed for free (Thank you Sam’s Club membership) and went home. End of story…

Nope.

The next morning I woke up well before my alarm, with again, not enough sleep, but I was mad and my thoughts were racing, so I just got up and got ready. I live in a triangle made by 3 major highways. It makes my 60 mile (roundtrip) commute much more tolerable. As I was turning onto the entrance ramp to 435 everyone was slamming on their breaks. There’s not usually a backup that far north, so I felt the typical irritation most people feel with rush hour traffic before my heart dropped into my toes.

Everyone was breaking because two big dogs were darting across the entrance ramp straight toward the interstate with cars rushing past at 80 miles an hour. No one was stopping!

Why weren’t they stopping?!?

I slammed my car in to park (which it didn’t appreciate) and jumped out of my car. The dogs had turned and started running straight down the entrance ramp at full speed. They were getting farther and farther away from me.

Thankfully something in the ditch got their attention and they started eating it (gag). I didn’t know what to do so I bent over and patted my ample thighs as loudly as I could and used my best dog-lover voice and yelled “Who’s a good boy?!?!”

That got their attention. Their heads lifted up and turned my way and I said “Come here!”

They came bounding toward me with their tongues hanging out and tails wagging. Thankfully the other cars entering
the highway avoided them as they were large enough to knock me over while jumping on me and circling me. One of them had a collar on so I grabbed it and put them both in my back seat (far away from the 3 containers of baked goods in my front floorboard).

None of the 3 tags on the collar had a personal number so I called the 888-number on one of them. I gave them the long number from the tag and was told the dog’s name was Cooper. They put me on hold while they contacted the owner. After a minute or so they connected us and the female voice on the other end of the phone said “Hi! You have my dog?”

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Stoeger and Boulder. Sweet boys!

I replied “Yes! I have both of them.”
She said “I only have one dog.”
Me: “Oh. You don’t have a black lab, too?”
Her: “No. I have one min pin.”

My heart sank because, as you can see, neither of these dogs are a Miniature ANYTHING let alone a Pincer. I apologized and we hung up.

I called the 888 number again and was put on hold while they connected the correct owner. At the same time I was receiving a call from the 888-number who AGAIN put me through to the frantic owner of the min pin. 🙁 I had to let her down a second time.

Eventually I was connected to the real owner who was already 45 miles away at work. She said I wouldn’t be able to get them in the gate at her house, but said she had a friend across from where she used to live who could take the pups. She told me her old address and I knew right where it was because it was JUST around the corner from my house. As I took the pups to their human friend I realized I was taking them to a man who was the father of a college friend. Small world.

The good news is that Stoeger and Boulder were returned and I was only 30 minutes late to work on my 2nd day. 🙂

Thursday evening I posted this status on Facebook: “After a flat tire last night and an interstate dog rescue this morning, I’m hopeful for an uninteresting commute to and from work tomorrow.”

I should’ve known better.

So Thursday night I talked to my friend Corrie about the Global Leadership Summit she’d attended at our church that day with my dad. While telling me how cool it was she also told me she had lost her blood glucose meter at the church. I told her where the lost and found was so she could hopefully easily locate it the next day.

The next morning, Friday, I was ready to leave by 7 because I had to get gas before meeting my friend at our carpooling spot. I grabbed my stuff and headed out the door, but I couldn’t find my keys in my purse. I dug through it again. It’s not a big purse, but as with most purses, I can never find my keys. They weren’t there. I dug through my work bag. Nope. I checked the pants I wore the day before. Nope. I went out to my locked car and visually located my keys in the pocket of the bag in the passenger seat.

My dad and I looked everywhere for my spare key, but it couldn’t be easily located. My dad was able to call and get a ride to the summit for that day so he let me take his car. While driving to the carpool location I called Corrie to ask if there was coffee at the Leadership Summit (for a friend) and to tell her about locking my keys in the car. She laughed hysterically and told me that I am the only person this stuff happens to….Yes. I know. :p

After a few minutes my friend had arrived so we could ride the rest of the way in to work, so I hung up with Corrie and reached into the back seat so we could access the extra drink holders. As I did that I noticed Corrie’s blood glucose meter in the back seat of my dad’s car…which he would have been able to return to her if he could have taken his own car to the Summit.

#awesome

People always say things happen in 3s. Well, today we had #4 on the list of “Weird things that keep happening to Lisa.” So “people” are wrong. :p

Today I had to go to the store to pick up a prescription. I decided to pick up a few other things so I grabbed a basket and headed to the chip aisle.

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Aisle 11. Chips and Drinks….and DANGER!

Listen, I am not proud of it, but I particularly enjoy the Cheetos/Doritos combo of hot chips. There are certain times of the month that a gal has cravings and she will give into them. Today was that day. My uterus was commencing with its monthly, gut-wrenching torture, and those chips were my priority. As I perused the rows of chips I noticed a younger 20-something woman walking toward me. She was scowling as she grabbed some Cheddar Cheese Ruffles. I thought to myself, “I know that feel, sister” as I could somehow sense she was also in her monthly moment of need. She didn’t acknowledge my presence until after she passed me by and heard me exclaim “Oh…whaaaohoiahaohoah!”

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Please note that I refused to use a picture of him in a donkey uniform.

Actually, it took her a good 20 seconds to ask if I was ok, but in all fairness, she probably thought I was Tebowing. Eventually she asked if I was ok.

Look at that picture really closely and you’ll see there’s a liquid on the tile floor. That picture was taken in aisle 11 at Price Chopper. One of my talents is finding a small amount of liquid and slipping on it, which I did today. There was a stream of it all the way down the aisle I had already walked through, so I saved my fellow frowny female from suffering the same fate. I choose to believe the liquid was tea or coffee.

I’m home now and the ice pack is alternating between my left ankle and my right wrist (and my ribs per the intercostal strain referred to earlier). I’m just gonna stay home for a while.

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