“When You Walk On By, Will You Call My Name?”

Deep Thoughts | Getting Personal (aka a little TMI) No Comments

Last night I dreamt I was a mom. I was breastfeeding the most adorable child with my mother-in-law and my husband sitting on food babyeither side of me. It only lasted a minute or so, but I was talking to them as if I knew what I was doing and as though they were very familiar to me.

About once a month I dream that I’m a mom in some form or fashion. Sometimes it’s adoption. Sometimes it’s kids I know at work. A lot of times it’s kids I don’t know, yet I do know them so well in my dreams.

I hate these dreams.

I hate them because they’re so real in that one moment, and when I wake up it’s all gone.

In high school I dreamt I was impregnated by a computer; like an actual desktop in the computer lab.

So that’s how much weight we should put into my subconscious. I also had a fever last night what with the strep throat I have right now.

cat picsI was at the Women of Faith conference this last weekend and the last speaker, Lisa Harper, shared some videos and stories of her daughter she recently adopted. Her entire demeanor changed when she shared her experiences with her new daughter. Ms. Harper is a single mother; never married, and is now 51 years old. She said she met her daughter in Africa and she knew the moment she saw her that she was hers. It made me consider adopting on my own for a heartbeat.

Honestly, the longer I am single the more I wonder if I even want kids. I don’t know if I would have the energy to do it. It scares the crap out of me. I see so many happy relationships get so strained after kids enter into the equation.

I also see how enriched my friends lives have become as their children grow and learn.

Ultimately, I feel very left behind. Every first day of school, every birthday, every Halloween. Even less life-stage driven events, crazy auntlike the invite to the zoo or the park or the movies; those don’t get extended to the girl who isn’t a parent. I don’t fit that schema so they don’t think to invite me.

I want kids, but first I’d like the relationship. That will take time if it ever even happens. The longer it takes, the further behind I get in life stages.

Basically, what I’m saying is this: I want kids, but short of adopting while living in my parent’s basement…well, that ain’t happening. So invite me to do stuff with you and your kids. I can be a helper. I like being “Aunt Lisa” (or even better just getting to be their friend). I like being someone they know. More so, my parents love it when you bring them around. With Halloween in a couple months you should know our neighborhood is very safe to Trick or Treat in. We’ll even buy the kind of candy YOU like. :p We are not ashamed of bribery.

So, maybe one of these days one of these dreams will be real (hopefully not the computer one). Until then, don’t forget about your girl.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *